Once I’ve put my royal seal
On a deal guaranteeing
The seeing of all public libraries
Maintained in perpetuity
I’ll have the horses of my cavalry
Create a bit of revelry
Today, the beasts, we’ll ask them to trot
Into some of the school playgrounds
Where there are certain of the children
Unsure whether horses have teeth
Or not
I’ll get out amongst my subjects
On the corner of a thoroughfare
And I’ll hand out hot potatoes
Without preferential treatment
That is based upon your status or wealth
I’ll heat them in a brazier
Beside the double glazier,
With a hosepipe at my service
For the health and for the safety
I’m not intending getting blasé
Not just presidents stand naked
Also emperors and kings for a day
But I’d like to think I’m going to play,
Commissioning a time machine
Made for transporting the monarch
To the wise men who are led by the star
We’ll sing, ‘We four kings of orient are’
And we’ll have a game of two-a-side
With our gifts providing goalposts
And it will not be permitted to drag
The ball towards the corner flag
To fritter vital minutes; to me,
That’s an embittering example
Of ungentlemanly conduct:
A straight red card, by royal decree
And with the humpy mammals watching
We will play upon the bumpiest ground
And find it hard to head the winner,
Being crowned
***
The King was no canny Canute
He was less than a man-most-astute;
He was rowing with rope
And a handful of hope
And he didn’t progress on his route,
Irrespective of royal repute
