I remember the first pair of rollerblades I ever got – it was 1996, I was 21 and back home for Christmas with my parents at the village pub they ran. I'm guessing they were fairly low-budget as the wheels didn't go round that easily. It was less rollerblading, more "roller-dragging heavy plastic boots around the car park".
They were purple, and came with a matching purple helmet, knee and elbow pads – which is a hard look to pull off. The craze hadn't really caught on in the West Country and when I wobbled down the main road I think some of the villagers thought they were seeing a man from the future whose technology was malfunctioning.
I only used them twice, the second time on my Mum's request to rollerblade into the bar holding a tray of indoor fireworks on Boxing Day. Even though I had three Rising Cobras snaking off the tray and a Titan's Temple in full two-inch flaming plume, I was little more than a brief distraction from the free mince pies and cheese chunks. It saddens me to think that neither I nor the locals understood just how profound this bit of theatre was as I perfectly symbolised man's fragility in the festive period.
But the past 15 years has seen rollerblade technology advance, so I'm giving it a second chance as part of my journey to an improved me – I've even booked a lesson with a proper rollerblading expert to help me succeed in my mission of staying upright.
Actually, I can't understand why everyone isn't doing it. It's just like faster walking – why isn't the whole world on wheels? If from tomorrow everyone in the UK had to wear rollerblades, would we potentially be a more productive nation because we would get to places faster? I'm not sure, but I would love to see David Cameron wheeling into the Houses of Parliament.
On a more personal note, I'm masochistically looking forward to the possibility of a light injury; perhaps a graze, a bruise or just a scuff. I haven't had a graze for years – you don't generally tend to get grazes on sofas. I remember being a lot tougher and robust in my 20s and I miss that. I do frequently suffer from nasal congestion, but that doesn't really count.
Not only will it potentially improve my punctuality, it's great exercise and it's supposed to be quite calming – ever seen an angry rollerblader? Only when they hit a gravelly patch. No doubt I'll be falling down on the road to success, possibly nursing a graze, but the symbolism of picking myself up, this time, won't be lost.
