TURF MOOR THE MERRIER
Once upon a time there was a funny Italian oddball who gave his players pizza, made everyone laugh by saying adorable foreign things like “Dilly-ding, dilly-dong” and earned the freedom of the city of Leicester by winning the Premier League title with Robert Huth and Wes Morgan as his centre-backs. But that all happened a very long time ago, which is why a lot of people forget that all that success was masterminded by a couple of no-nonsense English men called Nigel and Craig, and it doesn’t really match up to Plucky Little Burnley rising into their highest league position in the top flight for 42 years. “I’m proud of it,” Sean Dyche thundered after the Clarets beat Stoke City 1-0 to go fourth on Tuesday night. “The proudest man in Proudsville. I’m proud of all of it.”
And there was no prize for identifying the second proudest man in Proudsville: step forward $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who’s spent much of the day luxuriating in the sweet tears of Messrs Klopp, Pochettino and Wenger, all of whom find themselves languishing below PLB. He’s spent a long time waiting for the moment when a homegrown manager would tower above those foreign poindexters, with their nerdy ways and haughty air of superiority, like they think they’re so much better than us, and patience has finally been rewarded. “What a glorious nation!” $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver roared. “Rule Britannia! Arise Sir Sean! No longer will he be overlooked. No longer will people think that Antonio Conte is a genius for making his players do some running in training. No longer will Pep ‘Pep’ Guardiola be praised for banning pizza in training. For they were merely following the Doctrine of Dyche, and all is much clearer now. Hurrah!”
Before everyone gets too carried away, though, a word of caution. After all, things swiftly deteriorated when Burnley went second in March 1975. That was pretty much as good as it got. They ended up winning one of their final 10 matches, were well out of the race by the time Derby County were beating Liverpool to the title, ended up finishing in 10th place, five points off a European spot and below Dirty Leeds on goal difference, and were relegated a year later. Jimmy Adamson was fired after six years in the job and – eek – soon found himself managing Sunderland. Life comes at you fast, so Dyche will have to take care not to make any false steps from here. He won’t want history to repeat itself. If it does, it won’t be long before he’s sitting on Keysie’s sofa.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A group of fans started with nothing; no ground, no team, no manager, no players and no kit. Now, 15 years later, we’ve taken a giant step towards going home to Merton, in a new stadium and as a Football League club. This is a momentous day for us” – AFC Wimbledon chief suit Erik Samuelson after the club was given the green light to build a new 11,000-seat stadium back at Plough Lane.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Arsène Wenger wants footballers to be more like sumo wrestlers (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)? Is he sure?” – John Myles (and others).
“The men’s NCAA College Cup (America’s university final) was contested by Indiana and Stanford on Sunday afternoon. If Weird Uncle Fiver had been watching, instead of nursing a hangover, he would have witnessed what is arguably the most memorable American celebration in a final since Brandi Chastain’s Women’s World Cup-winner in 1999” – Peter Oh.
“Given Kevin De Bruyne and Eden Hazard’s recent excellence, and the easy group they find themselves in, is anyone else thinking about a punt on Belgium for the World Cup? With Romelu Lukaku and Christian Benteke on hand to convert all the chances, looks like a shoe-in to m …” – Neil Bage.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Peter Oh, who wins a copy of Football’s Flaws and Foibles, by Richard Foster. We’ve got more to give away though, so keep typing.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Sam Allardyce has cancelled Everton’s Christmas party after telling his players their form this season is no cause for celebration. “They can go and socialise at the right time,” parped the man who should know a thing about socialising at the right time.
Newcastle United’s sale to an Amanda Staveley-fronted investment fund is gathering pace after their offer to Mike Ashley was raised to £300m.
FA bods have given Manchester United and Manchester City until 6pm GMT on Friday to provide their observations on that tunnel fracas.
Welsh FA chief suit Jonathan Ford is being investigated by the organisation over his comment that the next Wales manager would be “definitely not English”.
West Ham will be sniffing around Jack Wilshere in January. “[He] would be someone who we’d have to look at if he was available,” cheered David Moyes.
Two last-gasp goals to seal a 2-1 win for Crystal Palace over Watford has got Mr Roy high on life. Ish. “While it’s wonderful to win this match, we’re still very close to the bottom of the table,” he tooted.
Germany players are on a €350,000 bonus each if they retain the World Cup next summer. “It is a good sign when players are backing this performance-based principle,” joy-out-of-life-sucked general manager Oliver Bierhoff.
And – what’s this? – Big Phil could be rocking up at the flamin’ World Cup with Australia. “I am one of the names they spoke with … to see if I was interested in taking them,” he teased. An FFA statement replied: “We are not making any comment at the moment.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Daniel Taylor on buck-passing in Manchester.
The Knowledge on different sponsors for different kits.
Paul Wilson on the Manchester City effect.
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