Nearly 10% of Iceland’s population are in France this summer, but the remaining few are enjoying their Euro 2016 glory from home – none more so than the staff of the Reykjavik Grapevine, the English-language magazine who were live-tweeting their first match on Tuesday night. As Cristiano Ronaldo “fannied about” during Iceland’s “crushing defeat of Portugal,” the writers in Reykjavik gathered more and more friends online. Here is their somewhat partisan account of the contest:
The tension builds
And now the unfortunate Portuguese will feel the mighty thunder of Þór's Icelandic warriors. #Euro16
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
The game kicks off
You can see the fear on our puny opposition's faces. They know the Norse hellfire that awaits them. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Iceland go on the offensive
Gylfi unleashed a warning thunderbolt that nearly tears off the goalkeeper's tiny hand. Nice. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
The referee denies them a free-kick
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THE REF'S fucking BLIND, JESUS CHRIST. I mean, uh, a close call on the edge of the box there.
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Cristiano Ronaldo makes an appearance
Lol. Ronaldo. Lol. The nerves are showing. He is scared of the mighty thrashing that is to come. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Portugal players start going down easily
Even the breath of one mighty viking is enough to fell that Portuguese attacker, who fell without being touched. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Iceland complete a few passes
That was almost, dare I say... an #Icealona-ish passing move. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
The Iceland keeper makes a save
A weak shot from one of the wilting manboys of Portugal stopped with a flick of one mighty Icelandic hand. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Gylfi Sigurdsson falls over
Gylfi has bones made of solid basalt. Don't worry. #euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
The Iceland keeper saves again
Óðinn's breath propelled our heroic goalie to swat away that weak-ass header. #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Portugal players keep on diving
Even the thunderous footsteps of Bjarnason approaching are enough to make the entire Portuguese defence collapse. #Euro2016 #ISL
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
A 37-year-old substitute is suggested
When will our secret bench weapon be unleashed? No, not the power of the god Týr—the volcanic force of Eiður Guðjohnsen. #Euro2016 #ISL
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Portugal open the scoring
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Portugal push for a second
Now we really have them on the ropes. #Euro2016 #ISL
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
An Iceland player enters the Portugal box
STONEWALL PENALTY SEND HIM OFF BEFORE HE IS SMITED BY LIGHTNING, it's for HIS OWN SAFETY. #Euro2016 #ISL
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Portugal lead 1-0 at half-time
PREPARE THE HALF-TIME BRENNIVÍN. #ISL #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
The second half begins
AND NOW WE SMITE THEM INTO TINY PIECES OF DUST & DESTROY THEIR GOAL WITH A BALL SET ON FIRE BY OUR VOLCANIC THUNDER. #Euro2016 #ISL
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Iceland equalise
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAJHHHHHHHHHHHHHTHJJJHJKHKJHH
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Their goal reverberates around the continent
Ahem. If Twitter is inviting you to translate that goal tweet from Turkish, tell them it was a Viking battle roar. #ISL #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Iceland go back to defending
Now that defending was made of solid Icelandic... birch saplings. We don't have any oak. #ISL #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Portugal have chances but can’t score
Do they even know how close they are to certain destruction? #ISL #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Gudjohnsen does some stretches
Deep in the bowels of the earth, an ancient power stirs. Eiður is warming up. #ISL #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Iceland’s defence stands firm
GOALIE LIKE THE CLIFF FACE AT DYRHÓLAEY THE ONLY THING THAT WILL DESTROY HIM IS CENTURIES OF COASTAL EROSION. #ISL #Euro206
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Aron Gunnarsson’s facial hair draws praise
Is it too early to call best beard of #Euro2016? #Gunnarson #killinit #101boys #Isl
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
The final whistle blows
This is but the first chapter of #EuroSaga. Now, our players frolic in the French fields and regain their heavenly energy. #ISL #Euro2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Ronaldo speaks
Bad loser Ronaldo whines about Iceland's 1-1 victory over Portugal. https://t.co/yi3anYsvWH
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 14, 2016
Iceland want a rematch
Has anyone figured out when #ISL would theoretically meet #POR again in the knockout stages? #EuroSaga #PORISL #EURO2016
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) June 15, 2016