I’m a gay man in my late 40s. Since the age of 19, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable, years engaging in casual sex with other men. In my 30s I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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