NASA has famously strict physical requirements for any would-be astronauts. You must be between 62 and 75 inches in height, have near-perfect 20/20 vision, ideal blood pressure, excellent cardio, above-average strength, and generally excellent fitness.
Now, imagine a person who embodies those high physical standards. Do you have a clear image of them in your mind? Good.
“You have to do a lot of things physically good”
Does your imaginary astronaut look anything like the 79-year-old Donald Trump? No? I didn’t think so.
And yet, Trump himself appears to think he’s astronaut material. Yesterday, he met with the crew of Artemis II, where they stood awkwardly around his desk as he burbled on about “fake news” in his usual confused manner. He also confidently pronounced:
Not AI. Not SNL.
— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) April 29, 2026
Meeting the Artemis II astronauts, Trump claimed he’s physically “very, very good” and fit to be an astronaut:
“I would have had no trouble making it. I’m physically very, very good.”
How is this real life? pic.twitter.com/foHXLcuevW
“Unbelievable courage. Unbelievable. A lot of other things too by the way. To get in there you have to be very smart. You have to do a lot of things physically good. So I would have had no trouble making it, physically very very good.”
You know what, let’s just all agree to pretend that the overweight, confused, and visibly unwell Donald Trump really is NASA’s ideal candidate for an astronaut. In fact, he’s clearly so perfect for the job that he should be assigned the honor of being the first man on Mars.
So let’s get him measured up for a spacesuit, strap him onto a rocket, and fire him in the general direction of the red planet. I hear the Olympus Mons is lovely at this time of year!
Then – oh no! Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve somehow made a huge mistake! It turns out we somehow forgot to attach the part of the rocket that lets him return to Earth! And wouldn’t you know, all of the capsule communication hardware suddenly malfunctioned as he left the atmosphere! Oh well, I guess there’s nothing we can do about it now. Pobody’s nerfect, right?
Back in the real world, we’re sadly still trapped on the same planet as Trump. Even if you somehow do manage to get into space, you can’t escape the guy, as the Artemis II crew discovered when floating in the inky darkness of the cosmos.
But Father Time moves slowly and deliberately, and someday we’ll get to breathe an atmosphere with only one Donald Trump in it (the more hapless “Jr” variety).
