I have been with my boyfriend, on and off, for 18 months. We love and care about each other and get on really well in every area but the bedroom. I was very nervous at first as I was a lot less experienced and scared it wouldn’t be enough – and it hasn’t improved. Our poor sex life has led to a lot of anger, frustration and disappointment.
You are far too judgmental – and mainly of yourself. If you remain focused on “being good in bed”, or trying to prove anything at all, you will never enjoy sex as you deserve, or please your partner. Sexual confidence makes you attractive to others, but paradoxically, the best way to achieve that is to let go of expectations or goals regarding sex and simply allow yourself to have fun. Bring the qualities you enjoy in each other generally, into your lovemaking sessions. Laugh, and truly relax together. You might well consider putting a self-imposed ban on sex for a while, in favour of simple playfulness. It’s important to bridge the gap between the positive connection and regard you have for each other in nonsexual situations, and the stressful atmosphere you jointly create during your attempts at eroticism. There’s nothing erotic about facing a lover with the cold fear of not measuring up. Instead, simply allow yourselves to give and receive pure pleasure, and tell each other exactly what you would like; that is the basis of thrilling, stress-free intimacy.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
