I’ve always thought of kindness as one of the most important qualities that a man should strive for. After all, some of masculinity’s most important icons throughout the ages have essentially scored their names on to the toilet wall of history by just being nice guys. Jesus Christ, The Knights of The Round Table: names that will ring down the aeons for their burning commitment to one crucial, world-changing principle. And that principle is that they were totes not meanies.
So I was very much intrigued by Caroline Millington’s suggestion that the ultimate manifestation of this is: “kindfulness”. In other words, trying to be kind to yourself, treating yourself with respect and doing it with a soothing mindfulness that stops the 21st century’s pace of life from leaving your brain feeling like it’s been strapped to a toaster and dropped into a bath.
Really, there’s only one direction of travel for this line of thought: I should try spending a whole week living by it to see how it makes me feel. So I did.
Monday
The first lesson of kindfulness that I need to embrace is to realise that I needn’t live up to expectations of “power, control and invincibility”. When you look at a lot of society’s ideals of men, these are the ideas that often crop up (as pointed out by The Mankind Project, an initiative set up to try to broaden mens’ ideas about masculinity). But given that there’s no such thing as invincibility, this forces you to judge yourself on whether or not you achieve something that’s basically impossible. Every day. Which is definitely not a very kind thing to do to yourself.
But how do I stop doing that? If I’m honest, I scoff at this idea at first and think: “Sure. Bet my boss is going to be really happy if I stop caring about how much of a good job I do!” And then I re-read the lesson and I realise that it’s perfectly possible to care about doing a good job without being all powerful, or totally in control or, well, invincible.
I also can’t believe how deeply ingrained those ideas were in my psyche before I really thought about it. Woah.
Tuesday
Apparently, being kindful to yourself sometimes involves asking friends or family to describe your best qualities to you, thus leaving you brimming over with self-worth. While arranging a meet-up for later that night with an old school friend, I ask him to do this for me via WhatsApp.
“Your spelling is accurate,” he replies. “You have never, to my knowledge killed anyone. Also, you have a strong grip on your diary.”
My insides fail to glow with inner warmth.
That evening, when we actually meet in person, I try again.
“Sorry about earlier,” he responds. “I did think about doing it seriously, but all of my instincts and training as a man prevent me from doing so.”
Sounds like I’ve found someone else who needs to rethink their idea of masculinity.
Wednesday
Millington says that when being kindful to yourself, it’s important to remember to remove your negative internal monologue. Today, I messed up by taking on too much work and caught myself thinking: “Why do I always do this? Why do I volunteer for stuff that I shouldn’t? I’m such a moron.” And then I realised that this was a negative internal monologue. I stopped, took 10 minutes to do some deep breathing and felt way, way happier. As well as very full of breath.
Thursday
I am now thoroughly enjoying letting go of control and just trying to be more relaxed about life. Unfortunately, I get so into letting go of control while cooking dinner for a friend that I take a break to browse Twitter and accidentally burn our pizzas.
“What happened to these,” my friend exclaims indignantly as I plonk a couple of brown, leathery discs in front of her. “I don’t want to go into it, otherwise I might generate a negative internal monologue,” I reply.
“But they’re ruined!”
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make me try to judge myself by notions of power, control and invincibility,” I shoot back.
I’m really getting into this lifestyle.
Friday
Throughout the week, I’ve been taking 10 minutes to be myself and to reflect on what a privileged life I lead. I’ve also been drinking more water, as per Millington’s suggestion. I feel refreshed, relaxed and more tranquil. One downside is that the constant weeing and reflection breaks mean that I am away from my desk a lot – but what price inner tranquillity?
Saturday
A friend is getting married, so I decide to wear a new bright yellow suit that I’ve bought – and, if I’m honest, a bit nervous about. As I walk to the tube station, a man in the street looks me up and down and announces: “Nice getup, man!” I instantly worry that he’s being sarcastic, that I look like a human banana or Jim Carrey from The Mask. Until, that is, my girlfriend points out that he was probably complimenting me and I realise that I’ve yet again succumbed to a negative internal monologue. I take a deep breath and accept the compliment. Much better.
Admittedly, on the way home, we walk past a pub at kicking-out time, and a group of guffawing drinkers spontaneously burst into a chorus of Donovan’s Mellow Yellow. But I get hours of soothing kindfulness in before that happens.
Sunday
It’s the end of the week. If I’m honest, I was pretty sceptical about kindfulness. It sounded a bit like something made up to sell me yoga pants or adult colouring books. But, actually, what it largely amounts to is trying to take it easy and to not beat yourself up about things when they go wrong. Frankly, it’s hard to find anything to object to in that. Will I carry on doing it? I’ll certainly try. Although, if I fail I won’t be too hard on myself about it. After all, I don’t want to succumb to a negative internal monologue.
Photography: Dan Wilton
Do what feels right with Philips: whether that’s being kinder to yourself or a grooming routine that works for you. Find out more at philips.co.uk/dowhatfeelsright
