Dear Coleen, I’m a 34-year-old woman and relocated with my husband and two young kids 18 months ago.
I was worried about the move, but we were struggling financially after Covid and selling our house gave us some breathing space to get back on our feet.
We’re renting now and the town we live in is nice, and our kids are settled.
Soon after moving I made friends with another mum at my children’s school. I suppose I was desperate for friendship, not knowing anyone, so we became close quite quickly.
But I’ve realised now that she uses me and I get very little back from the friendship.
She borrows cash all the time and frequently forgets to pay it back – it’s never a lot but it adds up and I don’t have any spare money. She also drops her kids with me at a moment’s notice.
The problem is, she’s part of a group of friends that my husband and I have got to know – all couples from school.
I don’t want to lose their friendship or cause a rift, but I’m sick of this one friend taking advantage. What do I do?
Coleen says
Here’s the thing, you can assert yourself without being unpleasant and you mustn’t feel guilty for doing so.
And if you do, you’ll not only feel huge relief, but you’ll feel more confident and stronger. Don’t keep facilitating her behaviour. The next time she asks for money, say: “I’m sorry, but I just can’t afford it at the moment.”
Likewise, when it comes to dumping her kids on you, say: “I’m really sorry, but I have plans today.”
If, all of a sudden, she’s not your friend any more, then she never was.
A true friend would accept your reasons without any hard feelings, move on from it and hopefully reflect on how they’ve been behaving toward you.
You might find in your friendship group that the other women have all been through a similar thing with her. Even if they haven’t, there’s no reason why a whole group of people would stop being friends with you because you’ve said no to being taken advantage of.
The wrong friends won’t bring you the genuine friendship you deserve.
When you move to a new area it can take a while to find “your people” and it sounds like this is one friendship you may need to move on from, or at least step back from.
