Lily Allen has revealed she had suicidal thoughts and struggled to maintain her sobriety following her split from David Harbour.
The Smile singer, 40, parted ways from her Stranger Things actor husband, 50, in December after five years of marriage.
Speaking in the November issue of British Vogue, Allen said she came close to relapsing after their break-up following six years of being sober.
“The feelings of despair that I was experiencing were so strong. The last time that I felt anything like that, drugs and alcohol were my way out, so it was excruciating to sit with those [feelings] and not to use them,” she said.
Allen entered a trauma treatment facility in January and spent several weeks there working on her “emotional turmoil” and engaging in therapy like “shadow work” and “inner child stuff”.
Discussing why she checked into the centre, she told the outlet: “I wanted to die.”
Allen added: “I’ve been into those places before against my will and I feel like that’s progress in itself.”
Of going to the facility, she said: “That's strength. I knew that the things I was feeling were too extreme to be able to manage, and I was like, ‘I need some time away.’”
The podcast star added that she’s had “real problems with food over the past few years” and it “got really, really, really bad” in the thick of her break-up.
Allen had good things to say about her marriage to Harbour, however, saying she has “a lot of compassion” for the actor.
“There were lots of good things about it,” she said.
“My kids had an amazing experience living in America for five years, and I have a lot of compassion for my ex-husband. I think we all suffer.”
The Not Fair singer returned to London this year after living in New York for five years with Harbour and her two children from her first marriage.
She divulged that she felt “confusion, sorrow, grief, helplessness,” while making her upcoming album and that several songs are “inspired” by her relationship with Harbour.
“There are things that are on the record that I experienced within my marriage, but that’s not to say that it’s all gospel,” she said.
“It is inspired by what went on in the relationship.”
Giving an insight into her mental health now, she stated: “Really not in the same space that I was when I wrote [these] songs. I have come a long way. I feel OK, actually.”
As for whether she’s in a relationship or on the dating apps, Allen - who was linked to actor James Norton over the summer - said she’s more focused on “self-discovery” at the moment.
“Because when you get to 40, you go into a different category and your selection is suddenly very different,” she explained.
“Listen, I am in a period of self-discovery at the moment and I’m really trying to explore how I’ve got myself into certain situations in the past.
“I need to unpack some things and break some patterns and probably talk to my therapist about my relationship with my dad.”
The singer also shared why she thinks there are less suitable men out there in the current dating climate.
“I think the internet happened,” she remarked.
“And I think the abundance of opportunity that the internet has created and the ease with which things and people are available is what happened.”
See the full feature in the November issue of British Vogue, available via digital download and on newsstands from Tuesday, October 21.
If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch.
