I have a very nice and pretty girlfriend but I can’t help wanting to have sex with as many women as I can, even though I might get caught and lose her. It’s completely unfair on her and I fully realise this, but it’s the persuasion and the chase as much as anything. I’m middle-aged and the ladies tend to be in their early 30s. I’m divorced with two youngish children. It’s selfish and I’m not sure it will make me happy in the long run, but it’s like an addiction. Is there anything to be done?
You are not alone in having a high level of sexual desire, and there are people who would consider you very lucky. But while acting on your desires might be physically fulfilling in the short term, you seem to recognise that the choices you make could reduce your overall quality of life. Perhaps you are just not ready for monogamy; if that is required by your girlfriend, you must decide whether you can comply or not. You were honest enough to mention being largely drawn to “the persuasion and the chase”, so it might be useful to consider what the real meaning of sex is for you beyond the erotic thrill itself. For some people, it is being validated as an attractive, socially adept, successful or sexually competent person, and a “conquest” is therefore affirming for those who lack confidence. For such people, the lure of this affirmation – especially from someone new – is very strong, and the pursuit of it can feel like an “addiction”. Try to improve your sense of self-worth in nonsexual ways. Hopefully you will be able to find new strategies to feel more secure as a man. Having strong sexual desire is a blessing, but, as you know, it presents many challenges. Misplaced, unchecked passion can spell social, career and familial disaster. And, unfortunately, we are wired to have heightened lust for the forbidden.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
