Dear Coleen,
I’m a 24-year-old woman and my dad walked out when I was 11, and my mum and grandparents brought me up. My dilemma is, he got in touch a few weeks ago after finding me on social media and would like to chat online with a view to meeting up at some point.
Even though I’ve spent years resenting him for walking out of my life and was devastated when he left, I would like to get to know him again and also hear his side of the story. I understand he must have had reasons for leaving my mum, but I feel he shouldn’t have abandoned me. He has apologised and said he didn’t “fight” for me enough.
Unfortunately, my mum is still very bitter about their relationship and has never had a good word to say about him. I’m not even allowed to mention his name. She’s got a lot of anger that she’s never dealt with and, while I know she was hurt, she always blames other people for everything.
I want to talk to my dad, but I’m not sure I can tell my mum, and lying to her might be the best option. I’m worried she’ll go ballistic and try to stop me or even chuck me out.
I get on very well with my grandparents (mum’s parents) and I’m sure they’d have a different view. Can you help?
Coleen says
You’re an adult now, so you have to make your own decisions, and you don’t need your mum’s permission to see your dad.
If you feel uncomfortable about hiding this from her though, why not speak to your grandparents about it and maybe they can soften the blow and help her to see things from your perspective?
Whatever went on between your parents, it’s very unfair of your mum to punish you for it – it sounds like your dad might have tried to see you when you were younger, but your mum made it impossible for him. I guess the only way to find out would be to ask him.
Your mum is clearly still holding on to a lot of anger, but she shouldn’t direct it at you.
If there’s any way you can talk to her calmly, reassure her that you love her and appreciate that she’s raised you on her own, but that you would like to meet your father and hear what he has to say. That’s your right and you shouldn’t feel guilty for trying to rebuild your relationship with him.
