I wish I could have a better relationship with my grandmother. She has been recognised as a difficult person, a liar and highly critical for as long as I remember. She pits family members against each other, picks fights, says what she wants. If we act offended, she gets defensive and tries to make us believe we misunderstood.
She has lived a difficult life; my grandfather was always cheating on her, and left her with no money. She built her own life from scratch, gave my aunt money after her divorce, and welcomed me in her house after I was kicked out of my own. I try to act grateful, but the best I can do is help her financially, as spending time with her kills me inside, and can leave me enraged to a point that’s unhealthy.
We all more or less avoid her. I visit once a week. She’s in her early 80s, smart and in good health, doesn’t require any assistance, but her memory isn’t the best. She has started socialising with women in her neighbourhood, but still finds fault in every little thing her new “friends” do.
I know this isn’t the life she wanted. I’d like to have a loving relationship where we’d see each other more often, but what I really want is for her to be different. What can I do?
As you say, unfortunately you can’t turn her into the magical grandmother you want.
If she is like this now, I wonder what she was really like when she was younger. I often think how unfair it is that we compare “difficult” older members of the family with younger members. It’s not a level playing field. That said, your grandmother sounds very trying and does have to own her current behaviour. What stops you being like the rest of the family and avoiding her?
I went to psychotherapist Arabella Russell, who said sometimes members of the family “hold” all the bad behaviour for the others – ie, as long as we are complaining about “grumpy Aunt Mary or Uncle John”, we can avoid looking at other aspects, such as our own part in things. I’d heard about this being done to children, but have to admit I never thought about it happening in the other direction.
Russell and I both wondered why you feel you have to fix it. “It seems as if you can’t quite pull away from [the situation],” said Russell. She reminded me that “every criticism is an unmet need”. I paused on that for a while.
Russell added: “Your grandmother has felt abandoned her whole life and finds others’ happiness very hard. You seem to understand that, but how much of this is your own pain and the fear of where you may end up?”
Do you see anything of yourself in her?
“You can only change the way you are around your grandmother,” said Russell, “but I wondered if there’s a critical voice in you thinking, ‘If I get on better with her, will I get on better with the more difficult [or, I would say, needy] parts of me?’”
We both noted your mother “kicked you out” when you were young. That must have been hard. Maybe you felt abandoned, too. I wonder if that part of your life might be worth exploring.
Look at what you can practically do with regard to your grandmother: a change to your visits, which may lessen the impact? Visiting more frequently, but for less time, may help. Could you do something together that doesn’t involve talking? Ultimately, however, if this continues to hurt you to the point it “kills you inside”, you need to ask yourself: why am I doing this?
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