My sister and I are both in our 30s and were brought up by our single mother. We need to set boundaries with her, because she’s stressing us to the point where it’s affecting our health.
We have differing relationships with her: she looks to me for comfort and support, and to my sister, who is younger, for things to pick apart. I have always looked after my sister (who says she feels a bit like my daughter) and we are rock solid. But mum judges her constantly. Currently my sister has a toddler and a baby, and has turned to our mum for some help. She criticises my sister’s parenting and then gloats when the “bad” things she predicted happen (all trivial incidents).
My mother worries at me incessantly and seems to require more emotional support than a mother should. I have managed to dial back weekly interactions to a 10-minute call twice a week, with texts and emails on top.
We have tried a number of ways to get her into therapy, most recently CBT to help with her anxiety. We feel that we cannot change anything without it either getting worse or, in the case of my sister, losing the support she needs to raise her two children. Her husband is fairly old-fashioned and tends to leave her to it.
We are slowly turning to mental mush in this pressure-cooker environment. Neither of us feels that we can really effect change: when we talk to her, she acknowledges what she does and then goes right back to doing it. We wish we could limit or remove her from our lives, but feel unable to do so. I don’t think I can cut off contact unilaterally without causing my sister further suffering.
My brother-in-law appears to see my mum as a necessary evil, while my partner doesn’t like her, based on the effect she has on me. My mum’s partner discourages her from seeking the help that we have been pushing for, and is now just as anxious as she is.
What’s really clear is the level of resentment (especially from you towards her) and enmeshment (key word) you all have with one another. And untangling the latter can lessen the former.
I’m sorry that you felt you were the parent growing up – that must have been hard. But you’re an adult now, and you can step back and think, “I’m not doing this.” You are not responsible for your mother, or your sister; only yourself. Does your sister feel the same way about your mother? My guess is not quite, but she probably doesn’t want to go against what you think.
Your sister has children (it isn’t clear if you do) and when you become a parent you become at once more appreciative – and more judgmental – of your own parents. Your sister may be struggling with feeling grateful to your mum for what she did do for you growing up (presumably there was something?) and for the help she is now giving her. There’s also, for her, the relationship with her children and their grandmother to consider. Some not-so-great parents can seek redemption by trying to become excellent grandparents. Is she?
Your sister has entered into some sort of contract with your mum for childcare, so she needs to decide if it’s recompense enough for the snipes and criticism, or if it would be a better idea to look for alternative childcare (which she won’t need for ever). It seems to me that your mum has stepped up where your brother-in-law hasn’t, or won’t. So it’s all very well him calling her a necessary evil, but I note she’s good enough to look after his children.
I see you’ve already started minimising contact with your mother, and that’s clearly the right thing for you to do at the moment. There’s a world between cutting her out of your life and continuing with the way things are. What you want may differ from what your sister wants, and I hope you can respect that.
You can’t force your mum into therapy, and she may not feel she needs it. It may be something you want to explore, however, to help you lighten the “pressure-cooker” atmosphere.
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