While we were contemplating IVF, I found out that my husband had been cheating. I wanted to believe his denials, and not let go of my baby dreams, and eventually I conceived. We are totally in love with our baby and parent together well. But there is still no sex between us. I don’t think he sees me that way and I’m not sure I’m into him like that any more. However, I still want sex with someone. Do open relationships ever work?
The pressures of IVF can reduce the erotic spark between a couple, and can change or undermine relationships. Therapeutic help is often advisable for such couples, and I would recommend this first before you consider having an open relationship.
The latter can work, but it requires very careful negotiation, with strict limits to be set to avoid disaster – especially when there is a child in the house. You would have to decide very specifically what the rules would be. Would you have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, or would you share information about other partners? Would your home be sacrosanct (which would be the recommended option)? Since you are sharing child-rearing, the priorities of when, where and with whom would have to be formally decided. Working on reconnecting and learning to become lovers again may be a safer – and less-complicated – option. If there was once a strong erotic charge between you, with help it can usually be reignited.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
