I don’t get along with my fiancee’s friend’s husband. They are not a big part of our lives as they live far away and we rarely see them. However, my fiancee holds her friend in great esteem (they have been best friends for a long time). This means that, every few years, the spectre of spending time with her husband arises. I have tried with him, but we have never clicked. I find him overconfident to the point of rudeness and more often than not he offends me in some way, notably by making disparaging remarks about how I look and my career. The last time we met, I told myself I would have nothing more to do with him.
That was a few years ago and now my fiancee wants to visit them. I have tried to explain my reservations, but she downplays previous incidents and seems deliberately deaf and blind to my objections. I have no problem with her maintaining her friendship with the couple and I have encouraged her to visit them on her own, which she has done. However, this time she is insisting that I go, too. I feel she wants to show her friend that she is part of a healthy and happy couple (and other than this we are: we have been together for many years and are to marry this year). But she doesn’t seem to realise the damage this is doing to my mental health and subsequently our relationship. The prospect of this impending trip is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I feel as if I am beginning to hate her when she refuses to acknowledge my feelings. Am I wrong for wanting to avoid exposing myself to further hurt and unhappiness?
You’re not wrong, but it’s not realistic unless you narrow your life to an unhealthy degree. Negative emotions aren’t nice, but we all need to learn to deal with them and believe that they will pass. We need to have resources to draw on, that tell us we will be OK.
You’ve made some fairly opposing statements, but the one I want to focus on is where you say you are happy and plan to marry, yet you are starting to hate your fiancee. That’s strong. How does your fiancee react when this man makes these derogatory statements? Does she give you back-up? Is it solely this man who winds you up, or is it your fiancee’s reaction to the situation? I wonder who/what this reminds you of. I think that’s key.
If you take the emotion out of it, the bare bones of this is that he is an annoying man whom you don’t see often. And yet, the prospect of visiting him has thrown up all sorts of flotsam, about him and about your fiancee’s handling of the situation.
If you were to imagine a scenario where this man is not there but everything else is the same, is it still OK? You mention in another part of your letter that you became depressed and put on weight as a consequence. What happened? Was it resolved?
This individual doesn’t sound nice, for sure. When someone has to belittle someone else, it does, of course, tell us everything about them, and not the person they are deriding. Overly confident people are rarely as secure as you think – and something about you seems to threaten him. But it’s exhausting and corrosive having people project all their stuff on to you. He can’t have been the first annoying person in your life, so how have you coped with other difficult situations?
I would imagine your fiancee wants to show a united front, and that’s OK, isn’t it? From her point of view, this is a short visit that won’t be repeated for a while and her friend matters to her. It’s hard when one has friends and the partners don’t get on, but she may not fully grasp how it’s making you feel.
Could you show her the letter you wrote to me? I think you need to talk to your fiancee, not just about this man but a few things. This won’t be the last time you and your fiancee have to work together, and it’s quite an important part of being a team. You need to have each other’s backs in social situations, especially when one person is there under duress or being picked on. Equally, we sometimes have to go to events purely because our partners want to. It’s a balancing act.
This man is obviously bringing something up that you find really painful. Will not going on this trip really silence these feelings? I wonder.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
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