My husband has a very low sex drive, which I have known about since we met. I thought it was great, because I do too. Yet I often caught him sending trashy messages to other woman, and he cheated on me before we married. We put it behind us, but we now have sex once or twice a year, which is distressing as I want a baby. He is angry that I want to talk about it.
Some men find it really difficult to feel erotically connected to women they respect. For such men, exciting sex can only be with women who are less important to them. The reasons for this are complicated, but sometimes it is just because they were taught that sex was nasty and that nice women don’t like it. You made a silent pact when you married him to keep your sexual contact to a minimum. But currently, your idea of adequate sex differs from his, and if having children is important to you, the issue must be discussed and resolved.
Try to do this without making him feel inadequate. Instead, present it as a problem you must solve together for the sake of your future family. There is a simple logic here: since having sex is a requirement for a family, he should probably agree to participate, unless he is having second thoughts about your future together. Some men do avoid sex in order to avoid having children – but this is not always a conscious motive. Whatever his reasons, the matter needs to be aired.
