Psephologists have already spent countless hours stroking their collective chin over what caused Labour’s recent electoral catastrophe – too leftwing? Too rightwing? Too willing to carve “a better country with less bad things” on gigantic pieces of limestone?
It seems odd that they are wasting all this energy when the answer has been staring them in the face ever since Ed Miliband gave an interview to Absolute Radio in April and professed his love for Ellie Goulding and Bastille: “She’s great and I love her,” was Miliband’s hot take on Goulding, shortly before he requested that the DJ play Pompeii.
Just as getting a bit of bacon rind stuck in your throat is a sign that you are unfit to handle the renewal of Trident, so a fondness for Starry Eyed is a pretty obvious indication that you will end up losing the parliamentary constituency of Corby to the Conservatives.
Which means Labour needs to appoint a leader and deputy who can not just tackle widening equality and the threat of Ukip, but also compile a half-decent Spotify playlist.
Sadly, Chuka Umunna, a man known to tweet about Latino house remixes (and once used the email address ukgaragefreak@hotmail.com) pulled out on Friday, but the remaining candidates have all exhibited more musical adventurousness than Ed. We mark potential candidates’ manifestos out of five red wedges …
Liz Kendall
Just call her Kendall Lamar. The former shadow health minister is a rap aficionado who apparently likes running along the Thames to Eminem and Dr Dre. She also gets “pumped up”, hopefully not David Cameron-style, to some righteous Public Enemy before she has to, ahem, fight the power by speaking in the chamber. Is she really running for leader of the Labour party? She seems far too cool.
Score: 5 wedges
Andy Burnham
Burnham positions himself further to the indie of potential deputy leadership candidate Stella Creasy, to such an extent that he even sang the chorus of Red Wedge favourite Faith Brothers’ 80s single The Country of the Blind during a Guardian interview and says he saw the Stone Roses’ legendary show at the Empress Ballroom back in the day. Although you know what they say: if everyone who claimed to have been at the Empress Ballroom for the Stone Roses was actually there, we’d have way more potential candidates for the Labour leadership right now. Or something.
Score: 4 wedges
Yvette Cooper
Yvette Cooper and husband Ed Balls recently took a family holiday in Salzburg on an “utterly ludicrous” (her words) Sound of Music pilgrimage, in which they “sang the songs” while wearing “headscarves made out of curtains”. To be honest, this is probably at least as much fun as going to a Chuka Umunna UK garage night, but we are measuring “taste” here and, given the strength of previous candidates’ playlists, Cooper will have to develop a pretty niche interest in PC Music or Chicago footwork to stand a chance here.
Score: 2 wedges
Tom Watson (deputy leadership candidate)
The Murdoch-bashing MP’s love of punky duo Drenge has already been well documented, but his blues knowledge runs far deeper than that: Watson was last seen heckling the BBC for reporting BB King’s death with the song Rattle and Hum rather than, say, tracks from the landmark Live At The Regal LP. If righteous campaigns such as this won’t convince the Shy Tories of Nuneaton, then nothing will.
.jpg?w=600)
