I have a confession: every single day begins and ends with my phone. It’s the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I gaze upon before I close my eyes at night. My partner of 15 years doesn’t get a look in. There’s no chance of spontaneous sex – we’re parents, I’m tired, overwhelmed and honestly, I’m looking for an effortless, fast dopamine fix.
I’d rather scroll mindlessly on Vinted and social media than genuinely connect or enrich my mind with a good book or activity. I can feel how bad it is for me, and for my relationship, but it’s an addiction and one that, if we’re being realistic here, you probably have too.
A smartphone relationship survey undertaken by SellCell has revealed that 71 per cent of people spend more of their personal time with their phone than their partner. Compounding this is the fact that ‘no phone zones’ don’t exist in 82 per cent of homes, meaning phones are being used in the bedroom, which has been proven to disrupt sleep as well as meaningful connection.
Relationship coach and psychotherapist Ashley Parker is one of many experts who believes excessive screen time inevitably removes our presence in relationships. She explains that, “healthy interaction in relationships requires our full presence. When we're distracted, there's a lack of eye contact, we miss non-verbal cues which is a huge proportion of our communication and we miss opportunities for connection.”
Parker says couples frequently complain about a lack of connection in her sessions because of time spent on screens, resulting in less talking and even less sex. “It's not uncommon for couples to have some of their most meaningful interactions at bedtime, but with the rise in scrolling, this is often overtaken and means that those crucial times are being replaced. There's definitely an element of avoidance too. It's easy to gloss over difficult interactions or conflict by picking up your phone and drifting off into another world.”
Sometimes to break the habit, regardless of what the habit is, you have to get out of the environment where you’ve become comfortable feeding it. So, to get clean from the screen we decided to leave our son for a few nights for the first time in eight years, and head to a luxury, low-tech retreat in Cotignac.
Provincial French resort Lou Calen is not quite The White Lotus – they don’t confiscate your phones and laptops on arrival but eschewing them is encouraged. There are no TVs in the bedrooms and you’re immersed in nature – the estate comprises olive trees, fragrant flowers and an enchanting chorus of twittering birds, frogs and insects. The fruits and vegetables growing everywhere might end up on your plate at dinner at the retreat’s Michelin starred restaurant. Plus, there are activities like locally grown wine tasting and traditional crafting workshops every week, developed specifically to bring you back to reality.
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It was astonishing to notice the anxiety the impending screen ban brought up. Despite heading off on what we both knew was likely to be a wonderful and well-earned break, I kept thinking of all the reasons I needed to be online – what if I got an urgent work email? What about taking and uploading photos for my friends and family to see on social media? What about needing to video call our son?
Parker explains that calling out too much screen time is sometimes met with defensiveness and nerves, but approaching the topic with compassion and curiosity is key. “Screen time doesn't have to be eradicated completely, but having some parameters around when both people will be completely present is important. This might look like ditching the phones at bedtime and in the morning – this is a prime time to reinvest energy in reflecting on your day. Or sharing what your hopes are for the coming day.”
Realistically screens are always going to be a big part of our lives at home. But I hoped that perhaps by having this break and instigating a change, we might be able to develop healthier relationship with our phones, and each other. Going screen free was hard, and I’ll admit. There were many times I reached for my phone to start scrolling out of habit, and felt irritable and anxious when I couldn’t. But as we had scheduled calls home and I was officially OOO, I forced myself to keep the phone out of reach, and keep the laptop – which I did bring ‘in case of emergency’ – switched off.
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Over the course of three days, it felt like a weight had been lifted. Each morning, we woke and instead of immediately reading the news and checking notifications we connected with each other. We interpreted our dreams like we used to when we first met, talked about our plans and hopes and worries for the day ahead, and even had the chance to be physically intimate – definitely a better mood and energy boost than finding new likes on an Instagram post.
It was certainly easier being in the stunning and carefully curated environment of Lou Calen than it would have been at home. Back in Scotland, where we live, we’ve fallen into what I now recognise as pretty depressing lifestyle habits. Constant chores and childcare always feels as though there’s never enough time for self care, to exercise or to enjoy a hobby. Suddenly with screen time gone there were several more hours to play with.
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In Provence we swam in the outside pool, went to a wine tasting, played tennis, explored the village and learned its fascinating history. If we’d arrived a little earlier, we could have joined one of the retreat’s drawing classes, learned to weave baskets or create flower wreaths. In the evenings we went for meals and actually spent the whole time in conversation – something 1 in 4 people, who say they play on their phone while eating with their partner, can’t attest to. When we returned to our room, without our usual Netflix binge, we chose to read and make love.
Admittedly, this last part might have been the hardest. The urge to bed rot while watching a TV series until the damning question, “are you still watching…?” pops up on the screen is very real. Somehow, the idea of taking time to meditate or draw, or knit or read feels like it’s going to be an effort rather than relaxing, even though I know from my own experience and the endless research papers exploring downtime demonstrates quite the opposite. All I wanted to do after dinner was put on an episode of Peep Show that we’d watched a thousand times before, and stare at memes. But it turns out, when forced, getting lost in a good book is still really nice, like it always used to be.
Funnily enough, so is having sex and actually making that a priority. Maybe if I’d been forward thinking enough to bring some more activities with me, doodling, crafting or colouring in would have been pretty great too. Despite feeling a little jonesy, I ended up going to sleep earlier, waking feeling more refreshed and, here’s the crazy twist: I did feel genuinely relaxed and happy, without the edge of despair and self-loathing that comes after a good scroll sesh.
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Parker says there's an immediacy in scrolling that becomes addictive, which is a large part of the reason we continue to do this to ourselves, rather than seek meaningful connection and true relaxation. Until recently, the term ‘addiction’ has typically defined behaviours related to substances, but given our widespread, problematic use of popular platforms such as Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and TikTok, this has now changed.
A first of its kind study, conducted by the UCLA, scanned the brains of 32 teenagers (who often have the most susceptible brains) while they used what they were told was a small social network similar to Instagram. The teenagers were shown 148 photos over the course of 12 minutes, including 40 photos each that they had submitted themselves. When they saw a large number of ‘likes’ on their own photos, the scan lit up in the brain’s reward circuitry.
Very often couples will be watching other people doing the things they want to do, so why not invest the energy into actually doing that instead?
This constant synthetic use of our reward system has been linked to potential desensitisation and raised tolerance levels to feel-good chemicals, such as dopamine. This means that, just like an addiction, the more we use social media to get an approval fix, the more we feel we need to experience that happy feeling. Something that might have given us a healthy sense of satisfaction and enjoyment before, like reading or sex, would then be far less likely to.
“There's also a level of escapism and a low-level energy required,” Parker explains. “Choosing screen time over connecting with your partner isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship is over, but perhaps more that the scrolling is serving as an avoidance or distraction. It can be really useful to consider what each person is actually getting from the screen time. What are you watching? What takes your interest? This really boils down to a deeper question – what are you both missing? You could think about how you might bring some of those interests into real life. Very often couples will be watching other people doing the things they want to do, so why not invest the energy into actually doing that instead?”
Leaving Lou Calen feeling refreshed, romantic and with a strong incentive to lay off the screens back at home, I still knew there was a long way to go before we were able to kick the habit. Of course, as soon as we landed we uploaded the photos we took, we checked our messages and that night, we watched TV.
But we’ve since deleted our social media apps and implemented a ‘no phone zone’ in the bedroom. It’s baby steps, but having had a taste of freedom, I’m keen for us to break out of our virtual reality and relearn how to be present, and how to be happy with each other.
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