Two of my female friends have a strong romantic relationship. I am happy for them, but their relationship has shown me how unfulfilling my own is. My boyfriend of two years and I only see each other at weekends, and he rarely socialises with my friends or texts me. Recently, I have found myself fantasising about women. But has this just stemmed from envying my friends? Should I try to fix my relationship or embrace my new feelings?
You are putting up with a lot, and you must sometimes wonder why you would want to continue in such an unfulfilling situation. In fact, there is surely an important reason why you spend your time imbued with longing. Perhaps it is that this absentee boyfriend creates in you a familiar state that dates back to much earlier in your life; the childhood trauma of feeling unimportant or unprioritised can follow a person into adulthood. Unconscious choices to repeat elements of a painful familial relationship can lead to exactly the kind of misery you are experiencing, so it would be wise to seek professional help.
The question of sexual orientation is an entirely different issue. Even if you do explore relationships with women and find them more appealing, without healing from your tendency to seek loneliness, you are likely to find an absentee woman who causes you similar unhappiness. You deserve to be loved by someone who is available, physically and mentally. Find a way to accept that, and live your life accordingly.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
