How are you? Busy, I’ll bet. Maybe you’ve felt frantic for so long you can’t imagine a time when you’ll have a moment to yourself. Take that moment now. Here, six remarkable women in their 40s reveal what freedom means to them – and how you can get more of it.
‘Never say “I’m fine” when you’re not’
Laurence Sessou, 40, massage therapist, London
Freedom means being honest about who you are and how you feel. In so many ways for so many years I lied to myself. I wore many masks to conform. Being honest with yourself starts with a basic thing: I no longer say “I’m fine” when I’m not feeling great. I don’t pretend everything is OK. I say how I’m feeling. Telling the truth is liberating, however difficult it might be sometimes. As a therapist I ask clients how they’re feeling and they’ll tell me they’re fine. Really? It’s something we say out of habit and it does not serve us. “How fine are you really then?” I ask, and then we can open up and start to feel better.
‘Getting away for a microholiday as a couple is essential to my marriage’
Kate Parker, 42, communications professional, Shropshire
I don’t remember my mum and dad ever going away without me. But the freedom to go away as a couple rather than as parents is essential to my marriage. My sister is happy to look after her nieces for 24 hours and they love her, so my husband and I max out that time with a microholiday. We’ll escape to a boutique spa hotel – somewhere that’s wasted on the kids – an hour’s drive away, find a nice pub for lunch, then spa like a pro. I feel most free [in the hours] when we’re normally in the house doing bath and bedtime. It’s a rush for both of us to be out at that time. Even the light feels magical and unusual. We chat over a drink and properly connect because we’re not interrupted a hundred times. When we come home to the routine we appreciate our kids all over again.
‘Don’t give up doing cool things. Even if it means going solo’
Jiao Jennings, 40, international business consultant, London
Now’s the time to come clean and say what you want to do. A girls’ holiday in Ibiza is not me anymore – horrible idea! Why spend precious time doing things you don’t want to do? The key is not to be afraid of doing things by yourself. Recently I went to the Modigliani exhibition at Tate Modern and spent two luxurious hours wandering around looking at the show solo. Another time I spontaneously got up early for an incredible yoga class in the V&A courtyard. If a friend wants to come, great, but I don’t want to give up doing cool things, or to feel like I’m dragging someone along with me. It makes friendships simpler and stronger: when we get together we happily pick up where we left off, even if it’s been six months.
‘Knowing that I can do something I’m slightly scared of makes me think I can do anything’
Caroline Crowther, 40, fundraiser, Essex
Whenever I plan a relaxing evening – simple stuff like watching TV with my partner or having a bath – that time gets eaten into by kids, working late or household chores. It’s not surprising that I’ve felt pretty stressed for almost as long as I can remember. Then my best friend gave me trapeze lessons for my 40th birthday, with the idea that if I booked out the time in my diary then I’d treat it with the same respect as I would a board meeting. I always make time for my class. Partly because I feel accountable – the class is booked – but mostly because I love trapeze. I’m terrified of falling flat on my face, but hanging on to the bar and flying through the air is exhilarating. Afterwards I have more energy and I feel inspired. Knowing that I can do something I’m slightly scared of makes me think I can do anything.
‘I’ve shaken off the idea that I should settle down and have a proper job’
Jo Carnegie, 44, journalist and advice columnist, Bedfordshire
Not going down the traditional fortysomething path of having a family is liberating because I’m free to find my own way. I don’t have to worry whether I’m making the right or wrong choices – they’re just my choices. For example, for the past five years I’ve been volunteering at a charity in India, Tree of Life for Animals, working out there for a month or two each year. It’s a massive part of who I am now; just as important as my life back here. I’ve shaken off the idea that I should stay at home, settle down and have a proper job. I can choose what fulfils me.
‘I had no time to pursue my passion, so I turned it into my job’
Emily Murray, 41, founder of The Pink House, Edinburgh
What with two kids, a marriage, a mortgage, septuagenarian parents and some semblance of a social life, I realised there’s scarce time to pursue my own passions unless I make it my actual job. So when I went back to work after an extended maternity leave, I founded my interiors business with this in mind. Essentially, my job is to convey my enthusiasm for interiors to other people, so every day I’m dovetailing work and joy. I’m not trying to squeeze in work and play as it all wraps into one. My business model is basically if something grabs me, I grab it back, whether it’s a technicolour wallpaper, bizarre lampshade or a week-long design reccy in a luxurious Alpine ski chalet.
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