I am 42 and have had one orgasm. It was with someone I shouldn’t have been with, and we were at risk of being discovered. That scenario has never happened again and neither has the orgasm – through penetration anyway. However, I have just begun to see a nice guy and really would like to find my orgasm with him, but don’t know how to approach it.
Illicit encounters are frequently characterised by heightened arousal and, during such eroticism, it is not unusual to have a rare experience such as your sole orgasm through penetration. But orgasm during intercourse is rare for many women, and it is a pity that some still think of it as the vital goal. Your pleasure should not be something you design in advance, but something to relish in the moment.
Teach this new partner what feels good to you, and allow him to bring you to orgasm in non-penetrative ways first. Then experiment by adding direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse, which or may not may bring you to orgasm, but should at least be pleasurable.
It is not unusual to be unsure about how to connect with a new person, but try to relax and approach it in a spirit of fun, adventure, and openness. Partners tend to be grateful when they are helped to understand your body and how to give pleasure, and this in turn makes them bolder about sharing their needs.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
