My dream job was always to be an actress. I was prancing around singing, dancing and showing off, reciting Disney films from a young age. There was never a moments doubt that that was what I wanted and was going to be. Between the ages of 10 and 22 I suffered from anorexia and so acting became a form of escapism. No matter how ill or low I felt, I could find joy in acting. It spurred me on to get better, which I did. I’d watch Emmerdale from many a hospital bed and I loved the show, I wouldn’t miss an episode. I remember thinking “I am going to be on that show one day”. And then I was.
I will never forget receiving the call to say I had won the part of Rachel Breckle (after five recalls) and just screaming in my little studio in London. I was jumping up and down like a lunatic. My first day on set is so vivid to me, barging into the Dingles home and having a go at Sam Dingle! Before they said “action” I was shaking like a leaf with nerves but I had never felt more at home. In my eyes it was magical.
I left the show for the first time in 2014, knowing that one day I would return as part of the storyline. Back then I knew I wasn’t finished, I knew I still wanted that stability and couldn’t wait to return. In 2015, they asked me back for three months to just tie things up, then I got extended to six months and then to nine months which was wonderful, but during that time, my life situation changed and I changed.
Within two weeks my boyfriend ended our seemingly perfect relationship out of the blue, my grandad, who was my world, died and then my dear friend Camille died in a tragic car accident. I picked myself up each time and went to work in a trance, but I knew I had to reassess everything. I decided that when things fall apart you have to rebuild in a different way and that’s when I knew I had to go to the next chapter of my life.
The scariest part of deciding to leave the show was thinking of losing the stability of a regular income and work, which is so rare to have as an actress. I also knew how much I’d miss the cast and crew. Then I started to fear that I’d never work again. But I felt that fear and did it anyway because I knew I would make it work. I’m not grand, if I had to wait on tables or work in an office, I would. I’m a northern lass and I’m a grafter. Trusting myself has taken many years but I am there now, and in all honesty, that fear only added to my determination to make it work.
Giving up my dream job has taught me that change is good and healthy. It’s not scary, it’s actually liberating. I have learned that it’s ok to be scared, that it’s ok to feel unsure, but that deep down I can trust myself and my gut instinct. I look back at what I went through growing up and if I can survive and beat that then I can feel and experience all that life throws my way.
If you’re in the same position then here is what I’d tell you: always trust your instincts. Your heart and your head can often be at logger heads, but if you sit down and breath and take a second you will find clarity. I love lists and often it just helps to write down the pros and cons of a decision you need to make. Or if you’re not a fan of lists, talk to those you trust. The more you battle things out loud with a trusted friend or family member the more you hear what you really want. Life is never practical in my eyes, it’s unknown, it’s exciting and it’s all to play for. I wish you luck in your choices and your life, it’s the biggest adventure you’ll have.
