I’ve been with my partner for about a year and a half. In the past eight months, due to my mental health, I haven’t been interested in sex, which has taken its toll on our relationship. For the past two months I have been trying to reintroduce sex but now he lacks interest and isn’t sure why. We are very physically affectionate and happy, but I’m worried that our mismatch of interest could become a problem.
All relationships undergo changes in equilibrium from time to time, and since sex is an expression of the partnership, one would expect that to reflect those changes. When one partner struggles with health issues, either physiological or psychological, it is common for the other partner to become – or at least feel like – a caretaker, and that can diminish shared eroticism at least temporarily. Caretaking involves assuming a familial role of nursing, advising, nurturing or advocating for the patient, and it often leaves the caretaker feeling worried, stressed and even overwhelmed. Often, the caretaker’s own needs are set aside in favour of maintaining focus on the patient. Your partner needs time to adjust to the change back to his original role. He may need you to show him that you are now strong enough to be able to care for him, too. Most importantly, you need to focus on any mechanism you might have previously used in order to feel attractive, and to summon your seductive power. But don’t expect sex to return to perfection immediately; it will just take a little time.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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