My daughter is 15 months old, and since I gave birth, my libido has been very low. Sex is the last thing on my mind, which frustrates my husband and makes him feel unwanted. He is understanding and very loving, but I do sense his frustration.
Of course, there is intimacy between us and I still feel attracted to him, but caring for our child 24/7 leaves me quite drained, emotionally. I fear that our relationship will be affected and we might get distanced if this carries on for a while.
How you feel is completely normal. While some women feel sexual soon after birth, many don’t for some time. Your body and your life have changed; after giving birth, I remember saying to my partner that the only part of me that felt or looked the same was my toenails.
You didn’t say anything about the birth, but it too may have had an effect on how you feel, physically and psychologically, even if it was “normal”. But I want to stress that even if everything was as good as it could be, not wanting sex when you have a young baby to look after is OK.
I consulted sexual and relationship psychotherapist Jo Coker (cosrt.org.uk), who does a lot of work with postpartum women. “The first thing to do,” she said, “is check that you are physically OK. There are such high expectations of how quickly new parents should click back into normality.”
Coker’s advice – since you are asking for help, not because either of us thinks you should be having sex unless you want to – is to build on the intimacy you have with your partner and “try to get back to seeing each other as sexual beings”.
This doesn’t have to happen overnight. Remember, from an evolutionary point of view, you are biologically programmed to look after your still very young infant (human mammals are born more helpless than any others). Your hormones may not be saying “sex, sex, sex”, either. Again: normal. Be kind to yourself.
How much help and support do you have? Not just to help with the baby, but to help with you? We are social beings and having a baby can be very isolating. Don’t put pressure on yourself – think of yourself first, your sex life second.
Talking of sex, as that’s what you’ve written in about: many people think of sex as full intercourse, but it doesn’t have to be. Coker says many couples find “taking sex off the table completely at this stage is really helpful as it takes away the pressure.” You may be feeling that if you touch or kiss your husband, it will have to lead to sex, so you may stop even doing that. Try saying something like, “I still find you attractive, but when I do this or that it means I’m trying to connect, not necessarily that I want to have sex.” This, conversely, can make you feel more like taking things further when you are ready.
You could also try “sex snacking”, where you spend just five minutes of attention on each other – so you don’t feel it has to be an entire evening of it. Your husband may be feeling pushed out by the baby (this is common) and needing to feel wanted – he may not want full sex either, just attention of some sort. Talk to each other.
Coker recommended a book called The Life of Dad, by Dr Anna Machin, which your husband may find useful. I think you need to be patient with each other. But it sounds as though you’ve got a very positive base from which to explore all of this in time.
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