Dear Eva,
I’ve fallen for my roommate.
We’re both in our early 30s, single and have known each other since we were in high school. We travel together and share many mutual friends. We moved in together about nine months ago.
Recently, my feelings for her have grown.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t feel the same way.
We both started using Tinder a while back. I never really got into it, but she went on a couple of dates and dated a guy for about a month. I went on and found her. I swiped right, but sadly for me, she swiped left.
I don’t want this to be a thing, but it is. Of course I’m sad she doesn’t feel the way I do, but the bigger problem for me, I think, is that I’m not trying to find someone else. I like what we have, and even though I want more, I think I’m locking myself into a relationship that doesn’t really exist.
I don’t think it’s good for me to stay here if I have these feelings. But, I don’t know if I should leave, or if I should tell her how I feel. Or both?
•••
Hey, you.
Reports of Tinder destroying the very fabric of our society are very much exaggerated, but I do have to admit that in this case I fear that Tinder has, well, frayed something.
If the only way that you have measured your housemate and lifelong friend’s interest in you is through swiping her on an app, rather than talking to her, then you do not have the information you need to draw a conclusion about her lack of interest.
Dating apps are great when they help us to expand our options for romance beyond our circle of friends, but they’re really not great when we use them as proxies for good old-fashioned human interaction.
Lest you think I’m being unsympathetic, rest assured. I have been there, in a situation where I had strong feelings for a close friend that I did not articulate for a very long time. It caused me a lot of distress. I wasn’t able to move on and meet someone else as long as I was hoping that my friend would fall in love with me, but I was too scared to tell him how I felt. It took advice from a good friend to snap me out of it.
‘Look, Eva,’ she said one evening, as I bemoaned my predicament, ‘what’s the worst that can happen if you talk to him about this?’ The answer was that I would be risking the continuation of the friendship, but the truth was that the friendship was becoming toxic to me the longer I didn’t talk about my feelings.
It wasn’t an easy conversation, and the outcome wasn’t a relationship, but let me tell you: I have rarely felt so good and free as I did in the days following that conversation. (Incidentally, the absolute worst thing didn’t happen: we needed a break from each other for a while, but we ended up still good pals.)
You’ve already established that your living situation isn’t tenable under the current circumstances, so I think that the worst thing that can happen is that you will have to move out, which you are already going to do. Hence, tell your housemate how you feel. And know that if you don’t get the answer that you want, you will be brave and strong and authentic. All traits that will stand you in good stead if you do have to move on to meet someone else.
Love,
Eva
