I’m 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for three years. I love him a lot, but I haven’t enjoyed sex with him for the past year. He’s only ever made me climax a few times and our sex life isn’t working for me. I don’t want to have to break up over this, but I can feel it becoming a problem, and it’s getting me very down and doubtful.
Learning how to bring another person to orgasm is challenging and should be a collaborative task. Your boyfriend is not a mindreader, and every woman’s orgasmic needs are different, so you will have to stop working so hard to bury your resentment and, instead, help him to provide the pleasure you need. Hopefully, you already know how your own body works, so use that knowledge to give him more guidance and, if necessary, show him exactly what kinds of strokes or touches will work best. If you don’t understand your own body, try to gain better self-knowledge and pass it on, rather than blaming your boyfriend. Negotiating the various stages of a sexual experience in order to achieve orgasm requires a reasonable level of concentration, so if focusing is generally something you struggle with, you may need to work on it separately. Before a lovemaking session, remove distractions and create a relaxed, unpressured environment where the goal is to share pleasure – with each of you taking ultimate responsibility for your own orgasms.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
