I have been on the antidepressant citalopram for the best part of five years now – popping my pill is as much a part of my morning routine as brushing my teeth or drinking a cup of tea. I used to romanticise it, pretending the water I washed it down with was vodka. Nowadays, I think of it more as an important moment of self-care at the beginning of my day – part of how I have learned to take care of myself and my mental health.
I am also well aware that I am far from unusual. Last year, the NHS prescribed a record 64.7m items of antidepressants in England. I can see this propensity to prescribe everywhere: I know more people who are on antidepressants than those who aren’t.
Faced with the prospect of talking to a different GP about why I needed antidepressants, I tried to go cold turkey the summer before university, to disastrous effect. My mood swung to the worst it had ever been and I struggled with fits of anger (something that I’d never encountered, even in the bout of severe depression when I was 16 that resulted in me being put on citalopram in the first place).
Soon, I was back on the pills and feeling much better. Now getting off them seems like an impossible prospect. Like many other young people I know, for me antidepressants are an essential part of staying sane in a stressful world. But I don’t see this as a bad thing.
People, especially students such as myself, have always self-medicated. Whether it is several vodka and cokes every evening, a constant supply of coffee or 40 cigarettes a day, everyone finds their chemical coping strategy. Just because the way you get through the day involves a prescription rather than a pub, doesn’t make you any more messed up than anyone else.
At my university, it seems that everyone I know has struggled with mental health problems, and most people have taken antidepressants at some point. This isn’t a reflection of our broken generation but evidence that young people are more aware of mental health and more likely to take positive steps towards improving their lives. Students in the past struggled just as much as us: the only difference is that they would pick up their pills from raves, while we get ours at Boots. Surely the latter is preferable? Safe, regulated and likely to be part of a wider programme of recovery.
I have become something of a pill-pusher myself. Now, when friends tell me about their mental health struggles, I always sing the praises of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), of which citalopram is one. When you have a mental illness, everything feels out of your control: so taking your medicine is one sign that you are taking your life into your own hands. That is why it is so important that people know SSRIs are provided by the NHS. No one should be deprived of the opportunity antidepressants provide to seize control of your own unruly brain and feel in charge of your own actions.
I am all too aware that by taking antidepressants long-term, I am at greater risk of diabetes. And even short-term SSRI use could cause side effects. But so far, I haven’t had any, so this seems like a small price to pay for a pill that helps me keep my life on track.
When I take my pill in the morning, I see it as an assertion of self-agency, not a mark of failure. Antidepressants won’t cure me, and they aren’t a quick or easy fix. If taking a tablet becomes the new normal, that’s not a bad thing, but society evolving to help people cope in more effective and sustainable ways. That seems like progress to me.
