I didn’t marry until I was 40 and I was extremely sexually adventurous before that. I am bisexual, have frequented fetish clubs, engaged in public sex and myriad other escapades. Unfortunately, my wife is extremely conservative when it comes to sex. At first, I didn’t believe this would be an issue, but three years into the marriage and 10 years into the relationship it has started to wear me down. She will not initiate sex, has low self-esteem and has a poor body image. Do I have to make peace with a sexless future?
So, before your marriage, you had seven years of juggling a vanilla relationship with her, while possibly pursuing these erotic adventures elsewhere? At any rate, you have been aware of her sexual conservatism and lack of interest in fetishism for roughly 10 years. I am sure this has never been easy, but it would be useful to consider why you chose her in the first place and why only now it has become unbearably difficult. I imagine many things besides sex initially drew you to her, perhaps a sense of safety. Perhaps your private sexual orientation, desires and behaviour have been troubling to you over the years?
Some people who feel that they are at odds with societal “norms” seek a psychological refuge by marrying someone who is aligned with the part of them that can resist “unwanted” urges. They feel calm and self-controlled with someone who is not driven by, for example, fetishistic needs. Your wife is clearly uninterested in fetishism or public eroticism; in fact, she has somehow come to believe that she is devoid of proficiency when it comes to any kind of sex. You cannot change her to the extent that she would match you in libido or style. Learn to accept your own desires and let go of trying to alter hers. Instead of comparing her with more exciting, sexually confident partners you might have previously had, consider exploring her idiosyncratic sexual or sensual needs. Support her, accept who she is and, if she allows it, learn to pleasure her in subtle, gentle ways. Try to bolster her confidence, celebrate the differences between you and focus on the things you appreciate about her. This is not as difficult as you think. In time, she may surprise you.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
