What this bed says about me
Ben’s parents bought him this bed on eBay and it’s in his room at their house in Wolverhampton. ‘I thought this bed would turn me into a confident underlord of sexuality, like Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ says Ben. ‘But it hasn’t changed me: I’m still an iPlayer and missionary kind of guy.’
And what it really says, by Miranda Sawyer
What a bed! A bed for a shiny-booted Perv King, a masterful, dastardly dark lord of the dildo who stands, muscled legs tensed and apart, possibly wearing a cape, to inform whoever he fancies that they’re under his command. And then there’s Ben.
Ben, with his daft shirt and beard, and even dafter grin, clearly has a sense of humour. And humour is not allowed in a Perv King. Sniggering is not sexy. You might think that when a PK whips out a vibrator that looks like a melted child’s toy – there will be one somewhere, under the paperbacks – that the correct response is to howl with laughter, but hilarity is not an option.
Neither is scruffiness – and let’s face it: this room could do with a tidy. Around the bed is the detritus of Ben’s everyday personality, determinedly encroaching upon his sex don fantasies. This is the room of a busy person who likes reading and listening to music and talking to friends about new things to get excited about, possibly while drunk. Not a man who stays in and strokes a whip gently across his recently waxed bum. At least not every night.
When you’re at home, living with your mum and dad, it can be hard to be sure who you are. You are surrounded by their tastes, their history, their choice in soft furnishings. Ben’s bed is an enormous attempt to assert himself which doesn’t really succeed. You can see the nice beige carpet underneath.
Of course the sexiest part of this picture is Ben himself. He is a stone fox, a big smiley bearded hunk, with an active interest in living. Loads of people will want to have to sex with him. Ben has no need for his mad bed. Although when I look at it, I think: “It’s huge! How does anyone fit that thing in!” Which may well be the reaction he was hoping for.
If you would like Miranda to cast an eye over your favourite possession, email a photograph to magazine@observer.co.uk
