It was in May last year when I went to my doctor’s surgery that I first came out. I decided to book an appointment to talk about depression and anxiety. But in a flood of tears I said the words: “I’m gay”.
I had never told anyone this huge secret of mine before. I felt ashamed. I felt it was wrong: I felt unnatural. Everything disgust brings.
That night, I went back to my room at the University of York and sat down. Within a few hours, my psoriasis had cleared on my forehead and my mental health had drastically improved. But this brief moment went against what I had always told myself.
I’ve known I was gay since I was 15. I’ve gone on dates with girls, but never taken it further. I’ve tried to avoid that part of me. My idea was to just get a good job and pass through life as I was told to: a heterosexual man with a wife and kids. This was becoming increasingly difficult. Things in my life that were supposed to make me happy just didn’t. I suffered huge levels of anxiety. So what was stopping me saying something sooner?
Like a lot of young people, I was bullied at school: for being overweight, having a foreign surname and wanting to get on and try and make the most of life. According to gay rights charity Stonewall (pdf), almost nine in ten secondary school teachers say they have witnessed homophobic bullying in schools. Its programmes manager, Sidonie Bertrand-Shelton, says: “We work with more than 1,000 schools across Britain to tackle this bullying, giving teachers the confidence and tools to identify and challenge homophobic language and abuse.” But this is always difficult.
The words “poof”, “faggot”, and “gay boy” are regular put-downs on the playground, and many gay people have memories of this kind of casual abuse. But I was lucky – I didn’t get bullied for being gay because I managed to hide it. I watched the way I dressed, how I spoke and even my mannerisms. I closely watched myself to see if anyone could possibly detect that I was not heterosexual. It’s why every person I’ve told since coming out has had the same reaction: “Oh wow, I would never have guessed.”
University made me see things differently. It made me question why I was having to hide. It made me see how other people treat those who are different. The experience has been positive. Around dinner tables or on nights out, no-one cared whether you brought a boyfriend or a girlfriend with you. You were just part of the occasion.
Even in this day and age, with there still being some anti-gay prejudice about, coming out can be daunting. But the emergence of LGBTQ+ societies and people not willing to let other people’s negative opinions put them down made me see how that, too, could be me. In the face of adversity, these people spoke up. They challenged. They didn’t allow ignorance to prevail.
Josh Salisbury, a master’s student in contemporary history and politics at the University of York, came out in his second year of his undergraduate studies. He says: “I was never someone who always knew what their sexuality was. If you had asked me before I came to university what my sexuality was, I would have said straight and genuinely thought that was the best label for me.
“For me, coming out as gay at university wasn’t announcing something I was sure of, but saying what I’d gradually realised.
“Because I was questioning, I found the university environment off-putting initially. It seemed like everybody knew exactly what their identity was and had known for ages. But eventually, I realised that wasn’t true – people I knew came out all through their university careers and they expressed the same feelings I felt.
“The realisation that other people were in the same situation as me made it a lot easier to be open about my sexuality towards the end of my second year. It finally seemed that I could be myself without being forced to commit to any labels that I wasn’t yet ready for.”
Labels can be scary, but I’m finally over that fear now. I never thought I would come out as gay, but university changed my mind.
Keep up with the latest on Guardian Students: follow us on Twitter at @GdnStudents – and become a member to receive exclusive benefits and our weekly newsletter.
