Every day since the murder of Jill Dando 20 years ago, her cousin Judith has felt an endless sense of agonising loss.
And the pain of the TV presenter’s doorstep shooting runs as deep now as it did on the day she died.
Because Judith and Jill were more like inseparable sisters than cousins. So inseparable, that to this day two decades on, Judith still wears Jill’s clothes.
She says it somehow helps her feel closer to her.
“When Jill died my family and her friends all shared her clothes,” says Judith, 59.
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“I have a lot of her stuff including two stylish designer suits by Louis Feraud, which I still wear. She wore them on BBC Breakfast to read the news.
“We always had a love of suits and shared a similar sense of style.”
Today Judith tells of their unbreakable bond ahead of a major new documentary into the 37-year-old Crimewatch presenter’s death – a murder that left the nation stunned back in April 1999.
She admits she fears her cousin’s killer will probably never been caught – and tells how she warned her not to buy the house where she was shot dead.
The pair grew up close to each other – Jill in Weston-super-Mare and Judith 13 miles away in Backwell, Somerset.
And when Jill moved to London after securing her first job with BBC Breakfast, she and Judith – who was working for an advertising agency – bought a four-bedroom townhouse in South London together.
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Related on their father’s side, they were so close that people even thought they were a couple.
Judith says: “When we bought the house, Jill made a point of telling everyone we were just cousins – because in our particular road there were quite a lot of same sex couples.
“We always had a laugh about it.”
But as close as they were, there were times when they quarrelled.
“Her early starts for BBC Breakfast meant she had to go to bed by 8pm – and if I had people over for supper it was difficult as Jill needed peace and quiet,” says Judith.
“There was a little bit of friction at times. Our lives started to go in different directions.”
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After five years together, rising star Jill bought her own home in Gowan Avenue, Fulham – the house where she would be shot dead by a mystery gunman as she arrived on her doorstep one morning after staying over at boyfriend Alan Farthing’s home four miles away in Chiswick.
Judith shivers at the thought – because she had warned her famous cousin it would be better to go for a gated-complex with better security.
“Jill was ridiculously naive about her security,” she says.
“When she went for the house in Gowan Avenue I remember saying to her, ‘do you really want to do this, you are living on your own. Wouldn’t you be better off with a smart apartment where you have a security guard’.
“I had also spoken to her about driving around in a soft top car in London. I said it was not a good idea because she was so well known.
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“But I think perhaps she hadn’t seen enough to realise nasty things can happen – and sadly it did to her.”
Her last memory of Jill was at her engagement party, a month before she was murdered.
“Jill had already asked me if I would be her bridesmaid – but it was so busy, I didn’t get a chance to catch up with her properly.”
On April 26, 1999, at 11.30am, Jill was shot once through the head from point blank range with a 9mm semi-automatic pistol as she went to open her front door.
Judith remembers being told the news by her two sisters.
“I felt sick to the core, completely devastated. That day my world came to an end in more ways than one.
“We had been pretty inseparable for most of our lives. I thought we would grow old together.”
Barry George was found guilty in 2001 of her murder, but acquitted at a second trial after spending seven years in jail.
Judith says she was never convinced by his arrest.
“I didn’t get that gut reaction that they had the right man,” she says.
In an upcoming BBC1 documentary, The Murder of Jill Dando, police reveal their frustration at never being able to catch her killer.
They admit they are no longer looking into the case.
And Judith believes she’ll never know who killed her beloved cousin.
“The last time the police visited me was about two or three years ago.
They do cold case reviews every now and again,” she says. “Now I think about the tragedy of her being killed – and not who killed her.”
Judith plans to keep her memory alive by taking part in this year’s Virgin London Marathon to raise money for one of the star’s favourite charities, the British Heart Foundation.
She says: “Jill was born with a hole in her heart and at the age of three she had an operation to close it.
“When I go out to train in the countryside, I can see all the daffodils coming out – and I think wouldn’t it be lovely for Jill to see spring.
“I often think she could have been a mum and would have had kids with Alan – and they would have been around the same age as my daughter Emilie, who is now 22.
“But nothing will bring Jill back and we will probably never know what really happened.”
Judith visits her cousin’s grave several times a year in Weston-super-Mare, where Jill was raised.
And she keeps a treasured memory album of their life together.
She says: “I couldn’t bear not to have it. It is like her legacy.
“I thought that I would be living into my old age with her.
“Twenty years on, it’s still hard to believe she is not here.”
- The Murder of Jill Dando airs on BBC1, Tuesday, at 9pm. To make a donation to the British Heart Foundation, visit this page
