The House of Representatives is crewed by the walking dead, fossilized husks of humanity who won a safe congressional seat sometime in the second half of the 20th century and have maintained a death grip on it ever since. So, perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that at least one of them says he’s communing with corpses.
The GOP’s top death-talker is Representative Jeff Van Drew, who appeared on Fox News last night to support Vladimir Putin’s plan to outlaw mail-in ballots for Americans. He claims that the dead are heading to the voting booth – and voting Democrat en masse. His proof? He’s peered beyond the veil and asked the dead for their opinion:
Holy shit. "They're real people. I spoke to them." I hope they didn't talk back! https://t.co/JzHhaPJ3yD
— Dan Gleason (@DAN_GLEASON) August 19, 2025
“Other times people who were passed away. These are real people. I spoke to large numbers of them.”
Jeff, buddy, you’re being a little short-sighted here. Sure, it’s skincrawlingly weird that the dead are apparently rising from their graves to vote but, from another perspective, this represents an exciting new untapped voting block and, as the sole political mediator to their gloomy kingdom, you’re in a prime position to secure them as key supporters.
An exciting new development for Republicans
All you have to do is begin promoting political stances that encourage death. Why, the GOP could slice away at Medicaid and restrict life-saving drugs. Ooh, or how about slashing restrictions on pollution, allowing companies to spew toxic chemicals into the environment? You could fight for much more lax gun control rules, increase use of the death penalty and, heck, if you’re really serious, maybe promote some loon who thinks medical science is a conspiracy to the Secretary of Health!
The corpses would pile up and… Waitaminute. Oh my god, Jeff, this is crazy. The GOP is already doing all that right now! You have a party tailor-made to appeal to Lord Death and his rotting minions, with a voter base eager to support policies that’ll send both them and their families into an early grave. This really couldn’t have worked out better.
So, let the Democrats represent boring old “living people” (or, let’s face it, “future corpses”) and allow the GOP to achieve its most powerful and righteous new form as the envoy of anti-life. Take your opponents to a hell without exit or end. And there you will murder your souls! And make them crawl and beg! And die! Die! DIE FOR TRUMP!
