I started having sex just before I turned 22. The first time was torturous. I felt as if I were being killed. Five partners later and the story hasn’t changed. Although I get wet during foreplay, the moment my partner tries to penetrate, I dry up. It takes a lot of time to penetrate and, when he finally does, I’m always screaming and crying and begging him to pull out, though sometimes I let him continue because I know it must be frustrating.
Unless there is a problem with your hymen (please check with your doctor), you may have sustained some physical trauma during your painful first time. Your body is cleverly responding by refusing to cooperate to allow coitus, in order to protect you from further pain.
It is always a mistake to allow painful sex, EVER! Right now you have probably acquired a condition known as vaginismus, in which your vaginal muscles go into spasm if penetration is attempted. Do NOT try to fix this by continuing to try.
Stop attempting coitus altogether and instead begin focusing on other pleasurable styles of non-pentrative sex. You will need a considerable amount of time before your mind and body will be ready to deal with intercourse, and only you will know when that is. If you want to fast track the process, find a trusted sex therapist or sexual medicine specialist to help.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
