Question: I retired at 63 to enjoy my free time, but my grown kids constantly ask for help with child care. I love my grandkids, but it's too much. What should I do?
Answer: The nice thing about being retired is getting to take back control of your time, as opposed to having to be on an employer’s schedule. That could mean spending your days doing projects at home, enjoying hobbies or spending time with the people about whom you care.
A recent Transamerica survey (PDF) of retirees found that 32% are prioritizing time with family, and 19% are taking care of grandchildren.
While you might find it fulfilling to look after your grandkids on occasion, there can come a point when it gets to be too much. Not only can being a constant babysitter get exhausting, but it could monopolize more of your time than you’re comfortable with.
If you’re a retiree who’s constantly being pressured to babysit, you might need to speak up so it doesn’t become a point of stress or bitterness for you. Here’s how to have that conversation without sparking a war with your grown kids.
Share the root of the problem
Before you broach the topic of child care (or too much of it) with your grown kids, it’s important to pinpoint the factors that bother you the most, says Cory Reid-Vanas, licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and founder at Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective.
"In preparation for talking to the adult child, it’s important to identify what feels overwhelming," Reid-Vanas says. "Is it the frequency? The number of hours? The lack of notice? Or all of the above?"
Identifying your biggest sticking points could lead to a more productive conversation.
For example, if the issue is a lack of notice, it paves the way to a discussion along the lines of: “I enjoy watching the kids, but I need more of a heads-up so I can plan my own schedule.”
Lead with empathy
Child care costs today are expensive. Care.com puts the average cost of an after-school babysitter for two children at $332 a week. For those needing day care, the cost can be even more astronomical.
That’s why Andrew Kami, Ph.D. and marriage and family therapy professor at Pacific Oaks College, says it’s important to lead with empathy when having conversations with your grown kids.
“Let your children know you understand their stress, the financial pressures, and how hard it is to find trustworthy childcare,” he says.
Reid-Vanas says that if you can afford to offer financial support to help your grown kids cover the cost of child care (and shift some of the burden away from you), that's something to consider.
However, he says, "I recommend that it be a decision the grandparent makes on their own, with some potential guidance from a financial adviser to help them evaluate the feasibility.”
You should not let your grown kids pressure you into chipping in for their kids’ day care, especially if that puts a strain on your own finances.
Share what your experience has been like
Your grown kids might not realize how difficult it is to provide frequent child care at your age if you don’t loop them in. If they start to recognize that it’s physically exhausting, they might start being more judicious in asking for help.
Kami suggests saying things along the lines of: “I love spending time with the kids, and I understand how tough child care is right now. But the amount of babysitting I’ve been doing is becoming overwhelming for me.”
Set clear boundaries so there’s no confusion
If you’re willing to continue watching your grandchildren but want to do so less frequently, it’s important to make that very clear to your grown kids.
“Setting boundaries is the healthiest way to preserve the relationship, but it has to be done thoughtfully,” Kami says. He suggests defining what you can and cannot do so your own children understand what commitment you’re willing to make.
For example, Kami says, you can say something like, “Going forward, I can help on Fridays for a few hours, but I can’t commit beyond that.”
Better yet, Kami says, be as specific as possible — for example, “I can help on Fridays from 3 pm to 6 pm.”
“Predictability lowers stress for everyone and prevents misinterpretation,” he explains.
That said, if you can’t commit to a predictable schedule, that’s OK, too. You could instead offer to watch your grandkids on occasion so their parents can enjoy a date night, Kami suggests.
You might start out with a set schedule that evolves over time based on your needs as well as those of your grandchildren. Continue to revisit your arrangement to ensure that it’s working for everyone.
Don’t let resentment fester
If you feel like you’ve become your grandkids’ default babysitter against your will, it’s important to share your concerns before resentment builds, Kami insists.
“[Your] children may have assumed you were available simply because you hadn’t said otherwise,” he says. Helping them understand that you need balance and boundaries is not hurtful, it’s honest.”
Reid-Vanas agrees.
"Setting boundaries does not mean that you love your grandchildren less. Setting boundaries means that you’re ensuring you can be the best grandparent possible, and there are some limits to that," he says.
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