I’m a 28-year-old woman who rarely orgasms with sexual partners. It feels as if the sensations I experience when I pleasure myself and those with partners are different. I often feel sensorily overwhelmed during intercourse, in an unpleasant way, and so will change position or take a break. I try not to put pressure on myself, but I definitely feel as if I’m missing out.
Self-pleasuring is qualitatively different from sex with partners, and many people who are satisfied during lovemaking are still drawn to masturbation because of the easy, reliable and intense orgasms it can produce. Like many people, you know your own body and sexual response so well that it is understandable you might struggle to be satisfied when you do not have full control. It takes bravery to share one’s exact needs with someone else.
Try to find ways to guide and encourage your partners. Just make sure you approach this in a gentle, supportive manner. It would be very reasonable to let a partner know if you become sensorily overwhelmed during intercourse; you could then work together on the problem. Sensory pathways can be altered in time, and erogenous zones can be sensitised or desensitised, so you should eventually find a way to allow your sexual response pattern to be more flexible. Being anxious about achieving the “right” kind of orgasm will not help. Instead, focus on simply being in the moment.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
