Dear Coleen
I’m a guy in my 30s with a wife and two young kids. My problem is my younger cousin, who’s lost and has addictions.
I’ve looked out for him for many years, as his dad disappeared when he was a kid and his mother died a few years ago. She made me promise to take him under my wing and be a mentor to him, and I agreed.
For a couple of years things were OK – he went to uni and then travelling, and I helped to get him a job with a mate’s company. Now, though, he’s gone off the rails in a big way and it’s starting to impact on my health and my family life.
He shows up at all hours, asking to stay or begging for money. He lost his job and his girlfriend because of his behaviour. I know he takes drugs, although I don’t know what and how often, and he drinks too much. He’s also developed a gambling problem and had debts as a result.
I’ve bailed him out a lot and my wife and kids have been welcoming and kind to him – they love him – but it’s reaching crisis point. I can’t have him showing up wasted when my daughters are around and I’m not a bottomless pit of money.
I made a promise to my aunt, but this situation is beyond my skills. I’d love your opinion.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen says
There’s a lot of pain in his past – abandoned by father and then losing his mother – but instead of dealing with it, he’s avoiding it and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. He’s not in a place where he can admit this and seek help.
I do think, as hard as it is, you have to stop bailing him out with money and being his safety net. Try having a frank chat man to man and telling him how you feel – that you promised his mother you’d look after him but feel frustrated and powerless because he’s doing things that would make her very sad and worried.
Tell him you’ll always be available if he wants to talk and that you all love him, but you won’t enable him by giving him money for drugs and alcohol.
You’ve been given a big responsibility and you’re doing your best, but the work has to come from him. It might be that he’ll go off the rails for a while, as some kids do, and then get it together, or it might be a
longer-term problem.
You can get support and information from groups including al-anonuk.org.uk and adfam.org.uk, and mind.org.uk.
