What I love about social media in 2025 is how there’s always a new source of insecurity to develop – should I fibremaxx? Do I need a deep-plane facelift? Am I a narcissist? Are my ankles betraying me? This week’s is: cleaning the bread knife. Apparently the (mostly British) habit of just wiping our breadknives after use, possibly on our sleeves, and putting them back in the drawer, as showcased in online skits and cartoons, is “gross”, unhygienic and the reason people refuse to eat outside their own home.
As far as I’m aware, our bread knife has never seen a drawer. It doesn’t even get wiped, just washed when it meets an especially oily focaccia. It lives on the breadboard with several weeks’ worth of crumbs and I thought that was normal – surely there are no bacteria in crumbs? I still think it’s normal – plenty of people online admitted to the cursory wipe. But they did so in a way that made it sound like their most transgressive, depraved habit, adding to my growing unease that whenever one of these hygiene “controversies” rears its head, I’m on the side of grossness.
Sheets? Yeah, they’re not getting changed weekly; towels, ditto. My sports kit gets washed occasionally in line with French government advice – as a French citizen, I consider that my patriotic duty. Bras: Rigby & Peller say you can get away with multiple wears if you have several in rotation (though I’m stretching that past what the late queen’s personal upholsterers would approve of). When it comes to my phone screen, well, I have the robust microbiome of a medieval peasant and rarely get sick, so what’s the problem?
I’m admitting this chiefly as a public service for fellow slatterns, made to feel disgusting when they see green nauseated emojis deployed in reaction to stuff they thought was perfectly acceptable. Me too, my grubby friends – you are not alone. But if it also means more fastidious acquaintances decide they never want to come and stay (though guests get clean sheets – I’m not a monster!), eat or cut bread here, it’s probably for the best.
• Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
