On a first date recently, my usual non-verbal method of communicating what I didn’t want to do sexually was criticised and it has left me confused about how to convey consent.
This man touched my breast while we were kissing passionately. He did not ask me if that was OK beforehand. I gently moved his hand away to a place where I was comfortable being touched, and where he had previously been touching me.
This has happened with most men I have dated. However, I haven’t had a negative reaction before. Is my method an unhelpful way of communicating consent? It seems as if it would be tricky to spell out exactly where someone can touch me at each moment before they have done so or asked, but maybe that would be clearer.
Your non-verbal communication was perfectly clear. Understandably, most people do not like it when they bump up against another person’s boundary, and some react with anger or defensiveness. A moment like that can provide important information about a person, and should lead you to wonder if you should see him again. Perhaps he has revealed a sense of entitlement or a lack of respect for your wishes that may prove to be an even bigger problem in the future. On the other hand, many people are very afraid of overstepping boundaries and, ideally, would like a partner to outline exactly what is acceptable or not at any given moment.
But in a moment of passion, you would not necessarily have predicted his next move and, instead of asking if an escalated step would be OK, this man has shown he expects you to be responsible for the permission negotiation. None of this is easy to manage in the heat of the moment. I recommend a calm follow-up conversation to hear each other out on the subject. Certainly, this should take place before you get into any type of intimate behaviour with him again.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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