A few months ago, my husband, who had been out drinking, wanted to have sex when I got in from work. I was tired and didn’t want to, but I felt terrible, because my libido has been low recently. I let the intercourse go ahead, while hating it and wanting it to stop. I know if I had told him to stop he would have done so in a heartbeat, but I didn’t. Now I keep thinking about it, and I blame myself for not taking control of the situation.
It is never easy to balance one’s desire to please a partner with protecting one’s self. Try not to blame yourself too much – you were seeking your limit and you found it. However, you now need to set boundaries with your husband. It is reasonable to say something along the lines of: “I love you, I’m attracted to you and I want to please you, but I really don’t enjoy sex when you’re drunk. Could we please find some quality time for love-making?”
However, I suspect you were also testing yourself. It can be confusing and upsetting when libido is lost, and it is completely understandable to want to explore your new sexual responses. If your lowered libido is due to fatigue, stress, depression or medication, there are ways to correct this. If it is due to underlying resentment of your husband for his alcohol use, or the result of relationship issues at large, you need to address these urgently.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
