I’m worried that my erections are not adequate

Is it too late for me to satisfy this younger woman? (Posed by model) Photograph: Frank and Helena/Getty Images/Cultura RF

I am 82 years old, and very friendly with a younger woman. Although we haven’t got as far as making love, I feel my erections are far from adequate. I’m concerned about the embarrassment that this will cause both of us. Is this an age problem, is it too late for me to satisfy this younger woman?

I have both good and bad news for you: no woman of any age actually needs a man with an erection in order to be satisfied. And all women are individuals, so if you get to a point where love-making is an option, stop worrying about your own performance and instead focus on pleasing her – in whichever way she prefers. She may respond best to manual or oral strokes, or she may enjoy role-playing, erotic talk or just holding hands. It is your job to find out, and to gradually share your own preferences with her.

Don’t rush into anything – allow your connection to build slowly and remember that romance and non-genital touching is important to many women as a prelude to sex – or even as the main event.

We are surrounded by ageism, and the incorrect assumption that older people are not – and cannot be – sexual is pervasive. Ignore such attitudes and do not allow yourself to be hampered by them. Performance anxiety kills passion and eroticism, so find a way to simply have fun with sex, with no expectations!

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).