Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my early 40s and feel under so much pressure at work and at home.
In the office, despite working hard I’m constantly overlooked for promotion and see younger guys being given opportunities over me.
To be honest, I’d love to just walk away, but I can’t because I have a big mortgage and a family, and my wife hasn’t worked since our youngest, who’s four, was born.
I don’t feel I can talk to her about how I feel because she’ll just panic and start shouting that I have to keep my job until I find another one, which I know is sensible, but I don’t know if I can do that.
I know it’ll end up in a huge row because I’ll resort to saying she should find a job and she’ll say she has to be at home for the kids.
I feel like I’m dealing with this on my own and get no support from her – all she’s concerned about is the money, irrespective of how I feel about things.
Any ideas on how I can get through to her and how I can move forward in my life?
Coleen says
You have to talk to your wife and it doesn’t have to be confrontational or angry. Find a time when the kids aren’t around and tell her you need to have a conversation. Just start by explaining how stressed you are at work and you’re
struggling to know what to do about it. Open a dialogue.
She can’t stick her head in the sand. Married couples go through hardships together and making it your problem, and shouting and screaming is not the answer. If she kicks off, stay calm and explain that it’s important to work this out for the benefit and wellbeing of the whole family.
What can she do to help? If your youngest is four then they’re about to start school, so could your wife return to work even part-time? You need to be a team – it’s unfair for you to absorb all the worry and strain. And if you can’t get over this hurdle, then perhaps counselling is the way forward.
I get that she’ll be worried if you hand in your notice, especially in the current climate, but maybe she could provide support and encouragement so you can look for something else while you’re still working.
I also think you should
make your boss aware of how you’re feeling. It might not change anything or it might open up a constructive conversation, but at least you’ll get it off your chest.
