Dear Coleen,
I’ve been struggling in my marriage for a while because my husband has become so dull and boring. He’s only 38, but may as well be 78!
I used to suggest things we could do together, but he was never interested so I gave up.
We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and have two sons aged seven and five.
I’ve been going out a lot more with my friends and on one of these nights out I bumped into a neighbour, who’s a few years younger and single.
We got chatting and he and his friends spent the evening with us, and it was fun.
I’d never really talked to him properly before – he’d helped my husband with our car one day and I’d made him a coffee, but that was it.
Anyway, he walked me home and we had this amazing kiss on the way back, which has since led to other things.
We’ve been meeting quite regularly over at his during the day, as he works from home. We’re having fantastic sex and I don’t want it to stop.
It’s made me dislike my husband even more. But while this affair has made me feel alive again, something stops me pulling the plug on my marriage. What do you think?
Coleen says
I was in a similar situation many years ago. My partner didn’t seem to know I existed and someone came along who made me feel sexy and special.
I hate to say it but, for me, a lot of the excitement around the affair came from knowing it was so wrong. But when things came to a head, it was just horrible and caused a lot of pain.
I decided I’d never do it again because, in the cold light of day, what I really wanted was my partner to treat me the way the other guy was treating me.
Imagine if you left your hubby tomorrow and it’s all out in the open, and you can do what you want. Would it be so exciting?
There are no more stolen moments. It’s a real relationship with all the baggage that comes with separation, including co-parenting with your ex and a stepdad scenario. Not so romantic and sexy, is it?
Talk to your husband, let him know how serious the problem is and that you can’t keep the marriage alive on your own. We all evolve differently in a relationship, but it’s important to keep talking about what you need and what you want, and to have shared goals.
As for your neighbour – risky being so close to home, by the way – your marriage is not his concern and definitely not his responsibility.
Have you even spoken to him about leaving your husband? Because, if he heard what you’re thinking, he might ditch you like a ton of bricks. It’s easy to make rash decision based on your feelings, but the consequences will last for years.
