January – March: where’s Chilcot?
George Osborne What are we doing?
David Cameron What do you mean?
Osborne What are we doing as a government? The backbenchers are getting restless. They all say we’re doing nothing.
Cameron That’s the whole point. We’re far too busy to be doing anything. This fixed-term parliament act has basically turned the whole of our last year in office into one long election campaign, so we haven’t got time to implement policy. Besides, even if we did, there would probably be voters who didn’t like what we were doing, so if we don’t do anything they can’t hate us.
Osborne I see what you mean. But don’t you think we should do a few things here and there in parliament, just to use up the time? How about we get Sir John Chilcot to publish his report into the Iraq war?
Cameron Don’t be silly? He’s even busier than we are.
Nick Clegg Is there anything you’d like me to do?
Cameron Who are you? Your face is familiar ... remind me.
Clegg It’s Nick. We’re best friends.
Cameron I think you’ll find that we were best friends. It’s over.
Clegg But we’re in coalition?
Cameron Not any more, we’re not. It’s every chap for himself from now on.
Clegg I hate you.
Cameron That’s the spirit. If you could say that a bit louder, I’d be very grateful. I need to put as much distance between the Lib Dems and the Conservatives as possible, to keep the rightwing neocons happy.
Clegg I really, really hate you.
Cameron Splendid. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to go out on the campaign trail to announce the last of my six election promises.
Osborne What were the other five?
Cameron Now you’ve got me. Let me think. I’m fairly sure that one was about education and another must have been getting everyone into a zero-hours contract, but the rest escape me. But don’t worry, they’re not really promises. They’re more just things we’d quite like to do if we can get round to them.
Osborne So what’s today’s vague idea.
Cameron Housing. We want everyone to have a home, if possible. So we’re going to build 200,000 affordable homes and sell them off at 20% less than market value.
Osborne But even I can see they are still not affordable, even with the discount.
Cameron Hmm. You’ve got a point. Perhaps we should call it the “Slightly Less Unaffordable Home” scheme.
Ed Miliband The Labour party is a little bit concerned about the health service.
Cameron Stop weaponising the NHS.
Miliband We only want to make sure old people don’t die in A&E. We’re not after anything scary like stopping PFI schemes.
Cameron Weaponiser, weaponiser.
Miliband What are you on about?
Cameron Lynton Crosby has told us all to speak in slogans. The Culture of Can.
Osborne Long-Term Economic Plan, Long-Term Economic Plan.
Miliband That’s a good idea. I love business, me. Labour’s long-term economic plan is going to be so long we’re going to call it a 10-Year Mission.
Nigel Farage Europe, foreigners, don’t mention the economy because we haven’t got anyone who knows how to run it, Europe, foreigners.
Natalie Bennett The Greens are the only party with a sensibly costed plan. Twelve plus seven is 33, take away six ...
Everyone Shut up, the lot of you. We’re fed up with all of you already.
Clegg Don’t forget us. We’re still here.
Everyone Not for long.
March-May: the election campaign
Opinion polls It’s neck and neck between Labour and the Conservatives.
Cameron I love going out to meet the real working men and women of Britain.
Miliband Me neither.
Clegg I have always profoundly disagreed with absolutely everything David Cameron has ever done.
Miliband Let me just say this to you while looking sincerely towards the camera ...
Farage I shouldn’t have had that last drink – my face has gone all sweaty.
Nicola Sturgeon Scotland is lovely and the SNP are actually really cuddly. See, I can smile. Honestly, Westminster has nothing to worry about. We love the English, us.
Cameron I’m standing to one side, trying to look like an important statesman.
Everyone Why on earth did we think that a televised leaders’ debate was a good idea?
Opinion polls It’s neck and neck between Labour and the Conservatives.
Cameron It’s all going wrong, Lynton. You promised we’d be winning by now as long as we kept George Osborne out of sight of the cameras and I just said Long-Term Economic Plan over and over again.
Lynton Crosby Don’t worry. I’m going to send in the big guns.
John Major Hello. Remember me? Well, let me tell you this, oh yes. The Scottish are very bad and dangerous people because they aren’t very good at cricket. Will that do?
Everyone Not really.
Opinion polls It’s neck and neck between Labour and the Conservatives.
Institute for Fiscal Studies We’ve just costed all the main parties’ election manifestos and they are all fantasy economics. None of them come close to making sense. Labour’s is slightly less iffy than everyone else’s, but the Tory manifesto is just laughable. And the SNP are promising more austerity than the Tories. Go figure, because we can’t.
Farage What’s the fucking point? I’m tired, I haven’t had a beer in ages and I just know it’s all going to go tits up as it always does and I’ll be back to square one. Vote for me if you can be bothered.
Cameron This is a career-defining election. I mean country-defining election.
Everyone You were right first time.
Harriet Harman I still can’t believe I got talked into travelling around on a women’s-issue bus.
Everyone It’s pink, it’s pink!
Harman It’s not. It’s a very pale red.
Clegg I’m on Plucky the Lib-Dem battle bus. I’ve been the whole way round Britain now and I still haven’t found anyone who is going to vote for me.
Miliband Hi, folks. You may have been wondering where I have been for the past few days. Well, let me tell you. I have been up Mount Tunbridge Wells to fashion the Gigantic Ed Stone. And here are my six promises to you. 1. We want a nicer, fairer world. 2. We want a fairer, nicer world. 3. We want a world nicer, fairer ... Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
Everyone We despair.
Cameron No one believes we love the little people.
Crosby You’re right. Last throw of the dice …
Cameron The Scots are horrid. The Scots are horrid. The Scots are horrid …
Opinion polls It’s neck and neck between Labour and the Conservatives.
Cameron I’m writing my resignation speech …
Miliband I’m writing my resignation speech …
Clegg I’m writing my resignation speech …
Farage I’m writing my resignation speech …
BBC News Our exit poll is telling us that the Tories may get a small majority …
Cameron Fuck me …
Miliband Fuck me …
Clegg Fuck me …
Opinion polls Fuck me …
Miliband I’m resigning …
Clegg I’m resigning …
Farage I’m resigning … and now I’m back in charge again.
Cameron I’m resigned … to having to implement a manifesto that was only ever intended to be a bargaining tool for a coalition. Not even George believes in most of it.
Opinion polls We’re not resigning at all. We’ve just gone through our methodology and discovered that we were actually right all along – even when we were wrong. Now give us some more money. Kerching!
May – December: here comes Corbyn
Cameron I am going to unite the country by dividing it.
Liz Kendall I’m going to stand for leadership of the Labour party.
Everyone Do we know you?
Chuka Umunna I’m going to stand for leadership of the Labour party …Actually, scrub that. I just want to be alone.
Yvette Cooper I’m going to stand for leadership of the Labour party.
Andy Burnham I’m swivel-eyed with ambition, but I don’t want to be seen to be too keen to be leader of the Labour party so I’m going to hang back, look a bit shy and hope that someone insists I throw my hat in the ring … I’m waiting … I’m still waiting … Oh, very well, if no one insists, I’m going to stand for leadership of the Labour party.
Jeremy Corbyn I really don’t want to be leader of the Labour party.
The SNP We’re Scottish and we’re here.
The Tories We can see that.
The SNP So what are you going to do about it?
The Tories Nothing. We’re not really bothered. Now that we’ve got a majority in the Commons and you don’t hold the balance of power, we’re going to ignore you.
The SNP What about the solemn vow?
The Tories What solemn vow? Look, I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to sneak through English votes for English laws on standing orders so that you don’t even get a real vote.
The SNP That’s evil.
The Tories The word is Evel.
Cameron Now listen here, Europe. I want you to know you’re dealing with one hell of a tough negotiator. I may look a bit of a pushover, but I can tell you that Cool Hand Dave is one tough cookie. So I’m going to be demanding some pretty big concessions from you.
The EU What sort of concessions?
Cameron Um, er … I’m not really sure. Can I let you know once you’ve all told me what you are prepared to agree to? Then I can go back to the UK and tell everyone else how tough I am.
Osborne And now for my next trick … In my new summer budget, I am going to abolish working tax credits and set up a new national living wage.
Labour You’ve just nicked one of our election promises …
Osborne And …?
The Tories We love you George. That’s the best budget rabbit ever.
The IFS Um, hang on a minute. We’ve just been through the numbers and we’ve worked out that you will actually be making some of the poorest people in the country at least £2,000 worse off per year than they are already.
Osborne Oh, bollocks. Then we’ll just have to try to sneak through the changes on standing orders without a proper debate in the Commons and hope that no one notices.
Kendall I’m going to be a bit like Yvette and Andy, but definitely nothing like Jeremy.
Cooper I’m going to be a bit like Liz and Andy, but definitely nothing like Jeremy.
Burnham I’m very much my own man but, in saying that, I’m going to be a bit like Yvette and Liz, but definitely nothing like Jeremy. And certainly nothing like myself.
Corbyn I still really don’t want to be leader of the Labour party.
Labour And the winner is … Jeremy Corbyn. Anyone who really doesn’t want to lead us is exactly the kind of person we want to lead us. It’s the new politics.
Tim Farron Can someone please mention that I won the one-in-eight chance to be the new leader of the Lib Dems?
Everyone No.
The House of Lords: We have been looking at the working tax credits standing orders and we’ve decided we don’t like them. Obviously, if you had done the decent thing and included them in the finance bill, then we would have nodded them through, but as it is we’re going to ask you to have a major rethink.
Cameron This is an outrage. The Lords have completely overruled the mandate of the people to make a whole load of poor people much poorer. If they’re not careful, I’ll fill the Lords with a whole load of my cronies ... I just don’t know what democracy is coming to.
Everyone Neither do we. We never thought we’d live to see the day when the unelected upper chamber stood up for the majority opinion.
Cameron It’s no good. You’ll just have to have another go at your budget. Do try to get this one right, please. You’ve cocked up two already in the past five years and you don’t want to go for the hat-trick.
Osborne After lengthy discussions with the vacuum cleaner, the Office for Budget Responsibility has just found £27bn down the back of the sofa that wasn’t there when they last looked four months ago. Yippee! So I’m happy to announce that whatever I might have said earlier about working tax credits isn’t going to happen because I am a listening kind of guy.
John McDonnell I’ve got only one thing to say in response. Mao Zedong’s Little Red Book.
Labour MPs In what parallel universe was that funny? Why didn’t he just ask how Osborne could be sure the £27bn wasn’t going to slip back down the sofa in the next four months.
McDonnell Because I am not that bright. I never expected to get this job either, you know.
Cameron I stand before you today quite excited by the Brimstone missiles the military has been showing me, which will only target known Isis jihadis. So I urge you to vote with the government to bomb Syria and not with a whole bunch of terrorist sympathisers.
Conservatives It’s amazing. Every time Dave tries to be the statesman, he buggers it up.
Hilary Benn We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the hedgerows …
Conservative MPs Why couldn’t Dave have done that?
66 Labour MPs Why couldn’t Jeremy have done that?
Everyone So we’re at war again …
Labour With each other …
Everyone It’s not going to end well …
Labour You can say that again.
