I am a 24-year-old man, and a virgin. There have been plenty of opportunities to have sex, but every time I get into bed with a woman I can’t get or maintain an erection. My fear of not being able to perform has led to me avoiding sex altogether. I think this might be because of my porn addiction, which I’m finally taking steps to address. I feel like a total failure, especially around my friends, who are far more sexually experienced than I am. How do I stop hating myself?
Change your focus. Right now you are being driven by a desire to lose your virginity, but such pressure – coupled with self-loathing – often leads to erectile dysfunction. Instead of viewing women as a means to an end, approach them with the intention of simply dating – getting to know them and having fun.
If you find someone you really like, allow things to develop really slowly. First, start sharing non-genital erotic touches, words, looks and games. These will occur naturally once you lower the expectations you have placed on yourself and stop trying to emulate “professionals”. Move to a higher level of intimacy only when your body and mind strongly guide you.
Sex is a learned experience, so yes, you will have to accept that it takes time, and that every lover will be different. Talk to your partner, ask for feedback, listen and learn. Gear your fantasy life to feature real-life women, although a little “bridging” porn fantasy is allowable during real-life encounters. I won’t tell if you don’t.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com(please don’t send attachments).
