Dear Eva,
My situation is somewhat complicated, but I am certain I’m not alone. I simply have no idea how to find other women with my dilemma.
I have known all my life that I am more attracted to women than men. However, I have been married for 35 years to a good man who has accepted that sex has not been on the agenda for a long time. He knows and understands how I feel.
I’m a 58-year-old artist – active, cultured, lively and attractive.
I don’t want to leave my husband. He has Parkinson’s, and although he is still pretty active, he needs my moral support. However, I would also really like to meet a like-minded woman in my city, with a view to developing a loving friendship. How on earth do I go about finding her?
I hope you can point me in the right direction.
•••
Hey, you.
It’s great that you feel ready to pursue the kind of relationship that you really want – in that, you are definitely not alone. There is no question, however, that you developing a new intimate relationship will change the dynamics of your marriage. Perhaps it might be in your interest to work on making some active changes now, before that happens.
For example: if your husband knows and understands how you feel, would it be possible for you to transition your marriage officially to a loving friendship, in which you remain very active in offering him moral support, but clearing the way you to form a new romantic partnership with a woman? This will make it much easier for you to meet women, and also perhaps give your husband the feeling of more freedom to meet someone else himself. People maintain all kinds of close relationships with former partners that are beneficial to everyone involved, so maybe you and your husband need to work on finding a sustainable one that doesn’t require you to cohabit.
Alternatively: do you absolutely need to find a woman who shares your dilemma – married to a man who she doesn’t want to leave, but seeking a romantic relationship with another woman – or would you be happy enough to develop a loving friendship with someone who is not in the same position but who is sympathetic to yours?
If these aren’t options, and you feel like you are going to have to be discreet about this relationship, I do advise that you make your situation fairly clear from the beginning if you’re dating online. The truth is that you may not be inundated with responses if you do – I am sure that you understand that women who are looking for an exclusive, committed relationship may be less inclined to get involved with someone who is, at least on paper, spoken for. But this will serve as a good filter to find women who can sympathize – they’re the ones you’ll be most successful with after, all. And you might well find it more frustrating if you meet women who you like only to have them reject you once they learn about the situation.
But while you can set up profiles on platforms like Match.com, this is a case where I’d particularly advocate coupling your online attempts with meeting people in real life.
You live in a big city, so I think that if you do a bit of simple research you’ll be able to figure out situations in which women who might be interested in you, and vice versa, cross paths. Getting to know potential partners in a non-date scenario may make it easier to move a relationship forward than an online date, in which people often feel inclined to make snap judgments, and may not understand that despite the relative complexity of your situation, you are ready to love and be loved.
Love,
Eva
