It had been a pretty normal night on Dr Pam's show. Nigel had problems maintaining his erection, Sharon was worried her husband was having an affair, and Paul phoned in because he had the same problem as Nigel, although halfway through the call he revealed that he was gay. That changed things a little: Dr Pam wanted to check if he had problems coming out as well as simply coming. Then the researchers outside the studio window got terribly excited. They had Claire on the line, and she was radio gold dust.
Claire had been a porn star, met a guy, got him some porn work, married him, had a kid and wanted him to give up the movies. The trouble was, his career was taking off and he didn't want to give it up. And after a hard day's work on a hot bed, the last thing he felt like was a repeat performance for his wife.
"Jerry Springer," I thought through my blushes, "eat your heart out."
Welcome to the strangest media launch of the year - where sitcom becomes fact. Dr Pam Spurr is London's very own Frasier Crane, an on-air psychiatrist with a phone-in show. Previously a psychologist at Guy's hospital, she even has an American accent. She started a two-hour emotional and sexual problems programme called Heart to Heart on soft-rock station Heart FM on Sunday nights from 10pm at the end of May, and she's getting calls that make Trisha look like a kids' TV programme.
I first heard Dr Pam in her previous incarnation as sit-in doctor on Nigel Williams's late night love-songs programme. I was driving into London on Sunday night and Louise phoned in, complaining that her boyfriend didn't satisfy her. Dr Pam started with pretty direct suggestions as to what she should say until the girl explained that on Friday her female best friend had popped round, they'd messed about a bit and her mate had been better than her boyfriend. Now she wasn't sure if she preferred boys or girls. From then on, I was hooked.
"This new show's format is modelled a bit on the Frasier Crane show," admits Jana Rangoni, Heart's programme director. "We originally had Dr Pam on Monday nights with Nigel Williams, but it worked so well we put her on Sundays and Tuesdays as well and then we found that the other elements of Nigel's show were getting between her and the listeners so we gave her a show of her own."
The best call Dr Pam received in her Williams period was from a man - called David on air - who preferred porn to his wife. Halfway through the call his mobile rang. It was his wife. She'd been listening to him on the show and had recognised his voice. David went to pieces on air, repeating, 'This is a nightmare' again and again at increasing volume until finally he agreed to talk it all out with his wife. As they say in the US, don't touch that dial.
"Most people go on air with an assumed name but sometimes people recognise the caller's voice and phone the station or worse," Dr Pam explains. "Once we had a woman on the line whose husband abused her and during the call it became clear he'd been listening to the radio - he burst into the room and was about to attack her. She just said, 'Oh my God' and hung up. We didn't really have time to do anything else so we sent for the police. We always ask callers for their name and phone number even if they plan to go on anonymously, and we've kept in touch with her and now she's doing OK."
The show itself is highly staffed for a commercial radio station. Heart's studios normally contain just the DJ without even a producer. Dr Pam has three researchers, Rory the producer and someone to drive the desk, playing the records that pepper the show.
"I've been here for 20 years and I've seen the English change emotionally so much," Dr Pam says. "Twenty years ago, you wouldn't get a male caller to a show like mine. Now you can do an entire show and realise that every caller was a man. It's different from TV because the TV problem shows are usually about people getting their 15 minutes. With us, it's usually that people just want a couple of minutes to talk and get some impartial advice."
Of course, some trained psychiatrists might bemoan the brevity of the counselling. Others, such as Dr Deenesh Khoosal - a psychiatrist who performs a similar service on BBC Midlands local radio every Friday - think that airing these topics is good for the nation's soul. For the rest of us, yelling in delighted outrage at our car stereos when Dr Pam describes female masturbation techniques, the rights and wrongs don't enter into it. We've finally got our own Dr Ruth. Except she's called Pam.
