I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend of nine months. Sexually, we are highly compatible and we have explored my interest in fetish and being tied up. But, stupidly, I faked orgasms from the start, as I feel I take so long to climax and was too embarrassed to be honest with him. I feel awful for lying. Do I confess and risk our trust or take another approach?
The latter would be safer. Some partners feel very betrayed by such a confession, and the likely ensuing loss of confidence would not enhance your chances of having more orgasms with him. Relax – you’re far from being alone in faking and feeling guilty about it. And your fault is really your anxiety and desire to be accommodating. So instead of making a risky confession, move on and try positive reinforcement. This involves giving really clear rewards when he does anything that is likely to bring you to orgasm. Using your creativity, suggest mutually exciting sex play in which there is more of the exact type of direct clitoral stimulation that’s a faster track to climaxing for you. The fact that you are both open to experimentation should make this fairly easy. Many people appreciate and enjoy being gently guided by their partner, so be brave enough to try new techniques – and show him exactly what you want him to do.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
