I'm her only mate but she's draining the life out of me with her selfish, negative ways

Dear Coleen

I’ve been friends with a woman I met through work for the past five years. We became close really quickly and she relied on me a lot as she’d relocated from another part of the country to take the job and didn’t have any friends in the area.

However, as time has gone on, I’ve realised she’s very high-maintenance and, for some reason, can never be happy for me when something nice happens in my life.

For example, when I told her I was getting married, she burst into tears immediately and started moaning about how unfair it was that she was still single! I don’t even think she said congratulations.

Another problem is, she’s failed to make many other friends, so she relies on me a lot, but I’m now married and have a very young child, so I don’t have hours every week to spend on the phone, listening to her complaining and being negative.

It’s bringing me down, especially when I have problems of my own, which she never wants to hear about. 

I don’t want to sound cold, but the friendship is all one way. Every time she calls now, my husband rolls his eyes and leaves the room. Has this run its course and, if so, how can I end it?

Coleen says

Yes, it sounds like this friendship has run its course – she’s using you as a sounding board to whinge, but there’s nothing else to it. You can take a step back, and eventually it’ll sink in that she needs to think about the relationship and what she’s giving back.

If you’re less willing to indulge her, she’ll get fed up and move on to someone else because she doesn’t have that passive sounding board any more. 

Alternatively, be really upfront and tell her that you feel the friendship is all one way and there’s only ever one topic up for discussion. 

It’s hard not to feel sorry for her because she doesn’t sound at all contented – it’s obviously coming from a place of deep unhappiness and maybe she’s also a little bit envious of you because you seem so sorted.

If she’d be open to it, some therapy might provide the outlet she needs – you could suggest it to her.

But I think if you let things rumble on, resentment will build – ie, you didn’t pull her up on not being happy for you when you got engaged and that’s stayed with you – and then it’s hard to save the friendship.

If it turns out the friendship is over, it’s not unusual. Some friendships last a lifetime, while others naturally fade away because circumstances change.