I am nearly 20 years old and have never been in a proper relationship. I’m very sensitive and shy, and the idea of sexual intimacy frightens and intimidates me. I’ve gone out with boys I’ve found attractive, but as soon as I feel the relationship may be developing beyond friendship, I begin to panic. Is there something wrong with me?
What’s the hurry? There’s nothing wrong with you – in fact, you are being smart, so take your time. Research has shown that many people think about sex very frequently, so it is quite likely that boys who ask you out are indeed thinking about sex. But you are in control of the outcome of dates. When you accept one, leave sex as a non-option for now, and during the evening simply decide whether or not this someone you would like to get to know beyond a first date.
Don’t take the process so seriously. You have plenty of time to find out what kind of person excites you and, most importantly, makes you feel safe. Sex is an experience everyone has to learn by trial and error. Expect to make mistakes and don’t be too hard on yourself.
In particular, don’t think your job is to give a performance of any kind. Someone will find your shyness and sensitivity appealing, and when you feel truly appreciated you will probably be more comfortable trying some physical intimacy.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
